Ooh! A Western! The next book on my summer romance novel reading list was Tender is the Storm by (who else?) Johanna Lindsey. It tells the tale of Sharisse Hammond, a New York society girl who is running from an arranged marriage and Lucas Holt, a rancher out for revenge against the man who killed his father and in need of a wife. Lucas sends for a mail order bride and is rewarded with Sharisse, who is more of a handful than he had bargained for.
Sharisse Hammond is arranged to be married to a young New York man who befits her privileged station. But when she learns that her sister is in love with her fiancee, she agrees to run away to avoid the marriage. She hops on a train and heads for Arizona, where she is posing as a mail-order bride for Lucas Holt. Her plan is to deceive him and delay for a while so she won't have to actually marry him. What she does not expect is to be totally attracted to the man who now holds her fate in his hands. Even more disconcerting is Lucas's twin brother, Slade, a rough, savage man who never fully recovered from witnessing the death of his father. To Sharisse's dismay, she is attracted to both brothers, and has to reconcile her fear of Slade and her trust of Lucas with her attraction to them both. Finally an encounter with Slade sends her running into Lucas's arms, and they do it. Outside. In the open. Next to the fire. Dangerous. What Lucas isn't telling Sharisse is that he has no more intention of marrying her than she does of marrying him. So neither of them are happy when they are forced to wed by the abrupt appearance of a preacher. They fight, and Sharisse hops back on a train to New York. One year later, Lucas catches up to Sharisse in New York, dressed to the nines and ready to marry her for real. She surprises him with twin baby girls, and they reunite and confess their love and live happily ever after. Oh, and Lucas is actually Slade, and the actual Lucas was killed at the same time as his father. Yeah...
This book left kind of a sour taste in my mouth. There was the usual deception/misunderstanding plotline, plus pregnancy and the requisite class divide. Aside from the cover, it was pretty unremarkable. So this space will be used to discuss the awesomeness that is the cover. First, I would like to draw your attention to the fantastic nudity of the hero. He is butt nekkid in the middle of the wilderness. There's snakes out there, dude, you don't want your fantastic thighs being chomped on, now do you? But I'll bet his backside is getting awfully ticklish from those grasses. Kind of awkward trying to sex up your girlfriend while your butt is being tickled by desert grasses. That being said, I have to give it to the artist for staying true to life and making his buttocks paler than his torso, since you know those aren't getting as much sun as his chiseled abs. Second, I'd like to mention the heroine. Her dress is falling off, and her breasts are strategically placed right over his... well, you know. Do you think that's the point? Is that what they're doing? Also, she kind of looks like she's passed out. Is he about to ravage a comatose woman? Uncalled for, dude, not okay. And another thing - where's she getting eyeshadow in the desert? Just a thought.
Stay tuned for the next installment set in the barbarically sexy Middle East - Silver Angel.
P.S. I was never able to discern how the novel got its title. Tender is the Storm? There were no storms. At all.
I feel like I should start this review with a disclaimer - this was the first "classic" romance novel I ever read. I found it at a used book sale on campus and was immediately enraptured by the cover. It's really a classic - Fabio holding tight to a woman whose hair is flowing and whose dress is falling down. It was a fairly typical plot - highborn lady finds herself the captive of a highborn lord and this sparks a passionate romance marked by power struggles, misunderstandings and some hot lovin'.
Hearts Aflame is the story of Kristen Haardrad, the only daughter of Viking chieftain Garrick Haardrad (remember him? The rapist?) and Royce of Windhurst. The story starts with the attempted rape of Kristen by one of the other Vikings. Pretty sure the purpose of this part is to illustrate how mind-blowingly desirable our heroine is. Anyway, she doesn't want to wait for her father to find her a husband, so she decides to stow away on her brother's merchant ship, planning to find her own husband at some trading port. Little does she know that her brother is actually on his way to go raiding and pillaging his way across England! When they arrive in England, the Vikings are ambushed by an English force and Kristen's brother is killed, causing the Norse beauty (disguised as a man, of course) to attempt to avenge his death. She almost succeeds, but instead is captured, along with the entire crew of the ship. Some Vikings they are. The Vikings are unlucky enough to be captives of a man (Royce) who holds a grudge against Vikings for killing his fiancee, so he treats them quite meanly, going so far as to have Kristen (still dressed as a man) flogged. Her gender is discovered and she is put to work in the castle, kept shackled and bound. The fierce beauty resents this, and does her best to convince her captor to release her, but it is to no avail, at least until Royce realizes that she is nobility and thus acknowledges his desire for the Viking princess and seduces her in his room. Kristen is a willing victim of his passion because she believes that his realization will cause him to unshackle her. NOT SO. He keeps her tied up, and they keep having angry sex until the end of the book where Kristen's father comes to England to kill Royce, and they duel, but don't kill each other, and then Kristen and Royce live happily ever after. Oh yeah, and Kristen's brother isn't actually dead.
As I said before, this was my first real historical romance novel, my first Johanna Lindsey novel, and my introduction to the genre. I have a fond space for it in my heart. But on top of that bias, it is one of my favorites for a couple of reasons, delineated below:
1. No rape. There is attempted rape and allusion to rape (both painting rape as a bad, horrible thing) but all sex between Royce and Kristen is consensual. There is angry sex, but both partners want it, so it's okay.
2. No pregnancies. Although Kristen and Royce are doing it fairly frequently, he doesn't put a bun in her oven. No pesky maternal or paternal responsibilities to mar this romance, no siree!
3. Very little deception and misunderstanding. No tears of confusion, no anger because of supposed extra lovers, no hidden pregnancies, just lots of angry sex. Consensual, angry sex. Perfect.
Stay tuned for the next installment, Tender is the Storm - a Western!
The third book I suffered through in the name of Summer Romance was Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey. It is the story of the lovely but androgynous Lady Brenna, who is the victim of a vicious Viking attack and is spirited away from her home in Wales to become the [sex] slave of Garrick Haardrad, son of the Viking cheiftain. Their love affair is fiery, passionate, and rape-tastic.
The novel opens with a rape. This will be a continuing theme throughout the novel. Anyway, a boy shows up out of nowhere to save the damsel in distress and lo and behold, the boy is not a boy at all, but the lovely Lady Brenna! Her father raised her as the boy he never had, and Brenna rejects traditional women's work like cooking, weaving and sewing. But she is in for a shock when her father arranges her marriage to a Viking in order to make sure that their fiefdom will not be raided. This is supremely unsuccessful, as the very man her father arranged her to marry shows up and raids their fiefdom. All the men are killed, the castle destroyed, the women raped and shipped off to Norway. Brenna is spared a rape (for now) and is given to hard-hearted Garrick to be his slave. Brenna proves impossible to tame, and mouths off to her new master all the time. They have a hate-hate relationship right off the bat, but does that stop Garrick from taking her? No, it does not. By my count, that's rape number 17. At least. Anyway, after many escape attempts and misunderstandings and more rapes, Brenna is set free, and she gets pregnant and bears Garrick's child, and he realizes that he loves her, and she loves him, and then they get married and live happily ever after.
If I haven't made myself clear yet, I hated this book. This seems like the perfect time for me to talk about rape in historical novels. First, let me say this. Rape is not sexy. Good relationships do not begin with rape. Women do not fall in love with men who rape them. Okay. that said, for some reason, historical romance novel writers think that no one had sex back in the day unless it was rape. They also seem to think that a heroine who is raped by some ruggedly handsome rascal will fall in love with him if forced to stick around for a while. I hate this notion. I hate it I hate it I hate it. So why is it so prevalent? Here's what I think.
1). I think that romance novelists exaggerate the fantasy of a dominant male.
2). I think that readers enjoy[ed] these sorts of scenes because they are either housewives whose sex lives have fizzled out and they crave excitement or virgins who have never had sex and fear that saying "yes" to sex or being an active participant in sex makes them a slut. Maybe not to that degree, but the idea that having the decision taken out of your hands about whether or not to have sex is sexy. And honestly, it's not. There is nothing sexier than a willing participant. And that is why I hated this book, because Garrick straight up rapes Brenna several times. It wasn't even the cop out "Oh she protested but secretly she wanted it" kind of rape, no, it was straight up forced sex she didn't want to have. And that is never okay.
3). I think that romance novelists assume that women didn't consent to sex before 1970. Sure, the Victorian Era was a little bit phobic of more sensitive areas, but in the 8th century AD? People banged. A lot. It was a fact of life. And yes, sometimes women wanted it.
So please, if you're a romance novelist, and you want to write a sex scene please make sure the woman consents. Rape isn't sexy. At all.
Stay tuned for the next book, Hearts Aflame, a book with no rape, and even more Vikings.
Romance novel number two is Defy Not The Heart. It is the heartwarming and sometimes (though usually not) racy tale of Reina of Clydon and Ranulf Fitz Hugh. The former is a highborn lady whose land and holdings are expansive. I guess you could say she has huge tracts of land. The latter is a landless knight turned mercenary, the bastard son of a lord. Fate (and of course deceit) brings them together and their whirlwind alliance will prove to be beneficial for both.
The Lady Reina of Clydon is in a pickle. Her father has perished in the Crusades, leaving her immensely wealthy, and without a husband. This means that any man who weds her will get all of her holdings. She is desperate to find a husband suitable to her, but she is besieged (literally) by prospective suitors. Her castle is under attack and is about to fall when lo! out of the blue an army (led by the brutishly handsome Ranulf Fitz Hugh) scares off the attacking hoard. Lady Reina welcomes her rescuers into the keep, but is astonished when her guests spirit her off into the night to deliver her to their employer as his new bride! Reina convinces Ranulf to wed her instead, and almost before the reader knows it, they're married! Ranulf takes her to the marriage bed and almost before Reina knows it, her wedding night is over! They fight, they bicker, he has a tragic past filled with child abuse and skanky ladies murdering his illegitimate children, she just wants to be pleased sexually, they discover oral sex, Ranulf reunites with his father and discovers that the skanky lady got married to an uggo, Reina gets preggo, and they live happily ever after.
Alrighty. There are a couple things that struck me about this book. Let's do a list!
1) Reina has a gay best friend! He is her chambermaid, they talk about men and sex, he hits on Ranulf... Guys, it's like Sex and the City! NO. This book is set during the Crusades. I feel like that is a little too early for the whole gay best friend thing to have been a thing. Didn't they burn people at the stake for sodomy back then?
2) Ranulf has a problem with premature ejaculation. Apparently he ruts like a rabbit and pays no attention to his partners wants or desires, and then finishes way too fast. This is never a good thing, especially not in a romance novel.
3) Aside from his little "problem," Ranulf's excuse for not pleasuring his new bride? He's afraid he's going to hurt her. So he goes to a prostitute to ask for advice about pleasuring women and LO AND BEHOLD she tells him about oral sex and he is like "Is that even a thing?" but he does it and TA DAH! it works. His reaction was pretty much my own - did they even have oral sex back in the day? But I mean, if they had sodomy, then I guess non-procreative sex was also probably around.
4) And after all this the author wants us to believe that he gets lots of women and that they follow him around. Not with moves like those, bro.
5) ...And she gets pregnant. Just once, ONCE I want a historical romance novel where the heroine doesn't get pregs right away. Because that always leads to extra angst about "Oh will he still love me?" and "Now he won't make love to me!" and "He has daddy issues so he will hate our child!" Stupid historical women.
But what I DID like was that Reina took things into her own hands. She manipulated her way out of a bad situation into a better one where she was married to someone closer to her age, who was super handsome instead of an old dude who was going to have her kidnapped. So she was fairly smart. Also, apparently her boobs weren't that big. Hey, variety is the spice of life, right?
Stay tuned for the next installment (a double feature) - Fires of Winter and Hearts Aflame.
I received my shipment of 18 Joanna Lindsey historical romance novels on Tuesday, and as of right now (Thursday morning), I have just finished the first - Gentle Rogue. It chronicles the story of Georgina Anderson, a plucky American in search of her long-lost fiance, and James Malory, a notorious womanizer and ex-pirate. Could it get any better?
Yes, yes it can.
How is this for vintage romance novel clinch cover awesomeness? Yes, folks, that's actually Fabio. And he's apparently on a ship, about to hurl the scantily clad heroine over the side of the deck. Notice her sea green eyeshadow. And look! Fabio is sporting some too. Those silly early 19th century ex-pirates and their eye makeup. Not to mention I keep misreading the title as Gentile Rogue. I think someone should write that. It would be amazing. The heroine could be repulsed that the hero ate pork and stuff. And who doesn't love some good religious conflict? ...I digress.
Anyway, our intrepid heroine has arrived in England in search of her fiance, who was impressed into service for the British navy during the War of 1812. She finds him happily married to an English lass and gets super angry and decides the fastest way to get out of England would be to conceal her gender and sign on as a cabin boy for the good ship Maiden Anne. Hmmmm. This plan couldn't POSSIBLY go awry. Of course Captain James Malory sees right through her little ruse and promptly beds her. This doesn't sit well with Georgina's five brothers, and so they force the captain, who has previously stated that he'll never marry (of COURSE he has), to wed their sister. Neither Georgina nor James act very happy about this, although inside they are both glad they have tied the knot. This leads to all SORTS of confusion and hurt feelings and kidnappings back to England, where we learn that Georgina is preggo, because of course there was no birth control in the past. Eventually, under much duress, each admits to the other that they're in love, and they presumably live happily ever after.
Okay. So I actually kind of enjoyed this book. There was no pseudo-rape, which is all too common in historical romance novels. I'll save that rant for later if I actually come across it. Of course it was trope-tastic - reprehensible womanizer, feisty heroine, hurt feelings, pregnancy, misunderstandings - aside from the pregnancy, it has all of the basic elements of a modern-day chick flick. Oh, and the heroine is unnaturally beautiful. Just once I'd like to read a romance novel where the heroine is not stunningly beautiful with large "tracts of land," a tiny waist and an ample derriere. But as far as the actual writing goes, this book stayed clear of the overly prosaic descriptive sections that seem to set romance novels apart as the most shameful genre of fiction. Alas, there weren't even any fantastic descriptions of "throbbing members" or "heaving bosoms." Hopefully I come across more of those as the summer proceeds.
So that's it, folks, Gentle Rogue. Stay tuned for my next installation, Defy Not The Heart.
Okay. So I've kind of abandoned this journal for oh, seven or so months. NO LONGER. I have realized that the best blogs are those with a concentrated focus. So for the next couple months, I will use this journal to escape from the difficulties of the ASU Nursing Program and to instead review romance novels from the late 70s to early 90s. I have just purchased a lot of 18 historical romance novels by Johanna Lindsey, a relatively well-known romance novelist, and my plan is to provide a photo of the cover of my current novel and a synopsis of the novel. Maybe you will even want to read it afterward. Probably not. They are sometimes pretty bad. But the covers - oh the covers. Half-naked Fabio graces the covers of most of them, accompanied by floozies in varying states of disarray. This shall be a summer to remember.
