The Joy in Last Words

Summer Romance Novel Book Club: Tender is the Storm

2010-06-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

Ooh! A Western! The next book on my summer romance novel reading list was Tender is the Storm by (who else?) Johanna Lindsey. It tells the tale of Sharisse Hammond, a New York society girl who is running from an arranged marriage and Lucas Holt, a rancher out for revenge against the man who killed his father and in need of a wife. Lucas sends for a mail order bride and is rewarded with Sharisse, who is more of a handful than he had bargained for.

Sharisse Hammond is arranged to be married to a young New York man who befits her privileged station. But when she learns that her sister is in love with her fiancee, she agrees to run away to avoid the marriage. She hops on a train and heads for Arizona, where she is posing as a mail-order bride for Lucas Holt. Her plan is to deceive him and delay for a while so she won't have to actually marry him. What she does not expect is to be totally attracted to the man who now holds her fate in his hands. Even more disconcerting is Lucas's twin brother, Slade, a rough, savage man who never fully recovered from witnessing the death of his father. To Sharisse's dismay, she is attracted to both brothers, and has to reconcile her fear of Slade and her trust of Lucas with her attraction to them both. Finally an encounter with Slade sends her running into Lucas's arms, and they do it. Outside. In the open. Next to the fire. Dangerous. What Lucas isn't telling Sharisse is that he has no more intention of marrying her than she does of marrying him. So neither of them are happy when they are forced to wed by the abrupt appearance of a preacher. They fight, and Sharisse hops back on a train to New York. One year later, Lucas catches up to Sharisse in New York, dressed to the nines and ready to marry her for real. She surprises him with twin baby girls, and they reunite and confess their love and live happily ever after. Oh, and Lucas is actually Slade, and the actual Lucas was killed at the same time as his father. Yeah...

This book left kind of a sour taste in my mouth. There was the usual deception/misunderstanding plotline, plus pregnancy and the requisite class divide. Aside from the cover, it was pretty unremarkable. So this space will be used to discuss the awesomeness that is the cover. First, I would like to draw your attention to the fantastic nudity of the hero. He is butt nekkid in the middle of the wilderness. There's snakes out there, dude, you don't want your fantastic thighs being chomped on, now do you? But I'll bet his backside is getting awfully ticklish from those grasses. Kind of awkward trying to sex up your girlfriend while your butt is being tickled by desert grasses. That being said, I have to give it to the artist for staying true to life and making his buttocks paler than his torso, since you know those aren't getting as much sun as his chiseled abs. Second, I'd like to mention the heroine. Her dress is falling off, and her breasts are strategically placed right over his... well, you know. Do you think that's the point? Is that what they're doing? Also, she kind of looks like she's passed out. Is he about to ravage a comatose woman? Uncalled for, dude, not okay. And another thing - where's she getting eyeshadow in the desert? Just a thought.

Stay tuned for the next installment set in the barbarically sexy Middle East - Silver Angel.

P.S. I was never able to discern how the novel got its title. Tender is the Storm? There were no storms. At all.

Summer Romance Novel Book Club: Hearts Aflame

2010-06-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should start this review with a disclaimer - this was the first "classic" romance novel I ever read. I found it at a used book sale on campus and was immediately enraptured by the cover. It's really a classic - Fabio holding tight to a woman whose hair is flowing and whose dress is falling down. It was a fairly typical plot - highborn lady finds herself the captive of a highborn lord and this sparks a passionate romance marked by power struggles, misunderstandings and some hot lovin'.

Hearts Aflame is the story of Kristen Haardrad, the only daughter of Viking chieftain Garrick Haardrad (remember him? The rapist?) and Royce of Windhurst. The story starts with the attempted rape of Kristen by one of the other Vikings. Pretty sure the purpose of this part is to illustrate how mind-blowingly desirable our heroine is. Anyway, she doesn't want to wait for her father to find her a husband, so she decides to stow away on her brother's merchant ship, planning to find her own husband at some trading port. Little does she know that her brother is actually on his way to go raiding and pillaging his way across England! When they arrive in England, the Vikings are ambushed by an English force and Kristen's brother is killed, causing the Norse beauty (disguised as a man, of course) to attempt to avenge his death. She almost succeeds, but instead is captured, along with the entire crew of the ship. Some Vikings they are. The Vikings are unlucky enough to be captives of a man (Royce) who holds a grudge against Vikings for killing his fiancee, so he treats them quite meanly, going so far as to have Kristen (still dressed as a man) flogged. Her gender is discovered and she is put to work in the castle, kept shackled and bound. The fierce beauty resents this, and does her best to convince her captor to release her, but it is to no avail, at least until Royce realizes that she is nobility and thus acknowledges his desire for the Viking princess and seduces her in his room. Kristen is a willing victim of his passion because she believes that his realization will cause him to unshackle her. NOT SO. He keeps her tied up, and they keep having angry sex until the end of the book where Kristen's father comes to England to kill Royce, and they duel, but don't kill each other, and then Kristen and Royce live happily ever after. Oh yeah, and Kristen's brother isn't actually dead.

As I said before, this was my first real historical romance novel, my first Johanna Lindsey novel, and my introduction to the genre. I have a fond space for it in my heart. But on top of that bias, it is one of my favorites for a couple of reasons, delineated below:
1. No rape. There is attempted rape and allusion to rape (both painting rape as a bad, horrible thing) but all sex between Royce and Kristen is consensual. There is angry sex, but both partners want it, so it's okay.
2. No pregnancies. Although Kristen and Royce are doing it fairly frequently, he doesn't put a bun in her oven. No pesky maternal or paternal responsibilities to mar this romance, no siree!
3. Very little deception and misunderstanding. No tears of confusion, no anger because of supposed extra lovers, no hidden pregnancies, just lots of angry sex. Consensual, angry sex. Perfect.

Stay tuned for the next installment, Tender is the Storm - a Western!

Summer Romance Novel Book Club: Fires of Winter

2010-06-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

The third book I suffered through in the name of Summer Romance was Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey. It is the story of the lovely but androgynous Lady Brenna, who is the victim of a vicious Viking attack and is spirited away from her home in Wales to become the [sex] slave of Garrick Haardrad, son of the Viking cheiftain. Their love affair is fiery, passionate, and rape-tastic.

The novel opens with a rape. This will be a continuing theme throughout the novel. Anyway, a boy shows up out of nowhere to save the damsel in distress and lo and behold, the boy is not a boy at all, but the lovely Lady Brenna! Her father raised her as the boy he never had, and Brenna rejects traditional women's work like cooking, weaving and sewing. But she is in for a shock when her father arranges her marriage to a Viking in order to make sure that their fiefdom will not be raided. This is supremely unsuccessful, as the very man her father arranged her to marry shows up and raids their fiefdom. All the men are killed, the castle destroyed, the women raped and shipped off to Norway. Brenna is spared a rape (for now) and is given to hard-hearted Garrick to be his slave. Brenna proves impossible to tame, and mouths off to her new master all the time. They have a hate-hate relationship right off the bat, but does that stop Garrick from taking her? No, it does not. By my count, that's rape number 17. At least. Anyway, after many escape attempts and misunderstandings and more rapes, Brenna is set free, and she gets pregnant and bears Garrick's child, and he realizes that he loves her, and she loves him, and then they get married and live happily ever after.

If I haven't made myself clear yet, I hated this book. This seems like the perfect time for me to talk about rape in historical novels. First, let me say this. Rape is not sexy. Good relationships do not begin with rape. Women do not fall in love with men who rape them. Okay. that said, for some reason, historical romance novel writers think that no one had sex back in the day unless it was rape. They also seem to think that a heroine who is raped by some ruggedly handsome rascal will fall in love with him if forced to stick around for a while. I hate this notion. I hate it I hate it I hate it. So why is it so prevalent? Here's what I think.

1). I think that romance novelists exaggerate the fantasy of a dominant male.
2). I think that readers enjoy[ed] these sorts of scenes because they are either housewives whose sex lives have fizzled out and they crave excitement or virgins who have never had sex and fear that saying "yes" to sex or being an active participant in sex makes them a slut. Maybe not to that degree, but the idea that having the decision taken out of your hands about whether or not to have sex is sexy. And honestly, it's not. There is nothing sexier than a willing participant. And that is why I hated this book, because Garrick straight up rapes Brenna several times. It wasn't even the cop out "Oh she protested but secretly she wanted it" kind of rape, no, it was straight up forced sex she didn't want to have. And that is never okay.
3). I think that romance novelists assume that women didn't consent to sex before 1970. Sure, the Victorian Era was a little bit phobic of more sensitive areas, but in the 8th century AD? People banged. A lot. It was a fact of life. And yes, sometimes women wanted it.

So please, if you're a romance novelist, and you want to write a sex scene please make sure the woman consents. Rape isn't sexy. At all.

Stay tuned for the next book, Hearts Aflame, a book with no rape, and even more Vikings.

Summer Romance Novel Book Club: Defy Not The Heart

2010-06-13T22:20:00.001-07:00

Romance novel number two is Defy Not The Heart. It is the heartwarming and sometimes (though usually not) racy tale of Reina of Clydon and Ranulf Fitz Hugh. The former is a highborn lady whose land and holdings are expansive. I guess you could say she has huge tracts of land. The latter is a landless knight turned mercenary, the bastard son of a lord. Fate (and of course deceit) brings them together and their whirlwind alliance will prove to be beneficial for both.

The Lady Reina of Clydon is in a pickle. Her father has perished in the Crusades, leaving her immensely wealthy, and without a husband. This means that any man who weds her will get all of her holdings. She is desperate to find a husband suitable to her, but she is besieged (literally) by prospective suitors. Her castle is under attack and is about to fall when lo! out of the blue an army (led by the brutishly handsome Ranulf Fitz Hugh) scares off the attacking hoard. Lady Reina welcomes her rescuers into the keep, but is astonished when her guests spirit her off into the night to deliver her to their employer as his new bride! Reina convinces Ranulf to wed her instead, and almost before the reader knows it, they're married! Ranulf takes her to the marriage bed and almost before Reina knows it, her wedding night is over! They fight, they bicker, he has a tragic past filled with child abuse and skanky ladies murdering his illegitimate children, she just wants to be pleased sexually, they discover oral sex, Ranulf reunites with his father and discovers that the skanky lady got married to an uggo, Reina gets preggo, and they live happily ever after.

Alrighty. There are a couple things that struck me about this book. Let's do a list!
1) Reina has a gay best friend! He is her chambermaid, they talk about men and sex, he hits on Ranulf... Guys, it's like Sex and the City! NO. This book is set during the Crusades. I feel like that is a little too early for the whole gay best friend thing to have been a thing. Didn't they burn people at the stake for sodomy back then?
2) Ranulf has a problem with premature ejaculation. Apparently he ruts like a rabbit and pays no attention to his partners wants or desires, and then finishes way too fast. This is never a good thing, especially not in a romance novel.
3) Aside from his little "problem," Ranulf's excuse for not pleasuring his new bride? He's afraid he's going to hurt her. So he goes to a prostitute to ask for advice about pleasuring women and LO AND BEHOLD she tells him about oral sex and he is like "Is that even a thing?" but he does it and TA DAH! it works. His reaction was pretty much my own - did they even have oral sex back in the day? But I mean, if they had sodomy, then I guess non-procreative sex was also probably around.
4) And after all this the author wants us to believe that he gets lots of women and that they follow him around. Not with moves like those, bro.
5) ...And she gets pregnant. Just once, ONCE I want a historical romance novel where the heroine doesn't get pregs right away. Because that always leads to extra angst about "Oh will he still love me?" and "Now he won't make love to me!" and "He has daddy issues so he will hate our child!" Stupid historical women.

But what I DID like was that Reina took things into her own hands. She manipulated her way out of a bad situation into a better one where she was married to someone closer to her age, who was super handsome instead of an old dude who was going to have her kidnapped. So she was fairly smart. Also, apparently her boobs weren't that big. Hey, variety is the spice of life, right?

Stay tuned for the next installment (a double feature) - Fires of Winter and Hearts Aflame.

Summer Romance Novel Book Club: Gentle Rogue

2010-06-03T11:35:00.003-07:00

I received my shipment of 18 Joanna Lindsey historical romance novels on Tuesday, and as of right now (Thursday morning), I have just finished the first - Gentle Rogue. It chronicles the story of Georgina Anderson, a plucky American in search of her long-lost fiance, and James Malory, a notorious womanizer and ex-pirate. Could it get any better?

Yes, yes it can.

How is this for vintage romance novel clinch cover awesomeness? Yes, folks, that's actually Fabio. And he's apparently on a ship, about to hurl the scantily clad heroine over the side of the deck. Notice her sea green eyeshadow. And look! Fabio is sporting some too. Those silly early 19th century ex-pirates and their eye makeup. Not to mention I keep misreading the title as Gentile Rogue. I think someone should write that. It would be amazing. The heroine could be repulsed that the hero ate pork and stuff. And who doesn't love some good religious conflict? ...I digress.

Anyway, our intrepid heroine has arrived in England in search of her fiance, who was impressed into service for the British navy during the War of 1812. She finds him happily married to an English lass and gets super angry and decides the fastest way to get out of England would be to conceal her gender and sign on as a cabin boy for the good ship Maiden Anne. Hmmmm. This plan couldn't POSSIBLY go awry. Of course Captain James Malory sees right through her little ruse and promptly beds her. This doesn't sit well with Georgina's five brothers, and so they force the captain, who has previously stated that he'll never marry (of COURSE he has), to wed their sister. Neither Georgina nor James act very happy about this, although inside they are both glad they have tied the knot. This leads to all SORTS of confusion and hurt feelings and kidnappings back to England, where we learn that Georgina is preggo, because of course there was no birth control in the past. Eventually, under much duress, each admits to the other that they're in love, and they presumably live happily ever after.

Okay. So I actually kind of enjoyed this book. There was no pseudo-rape, which is all too common in historical romance novels. I'll save that rant for later if I actually come across it. Of course it was trope-tastic - reprehensible womanizer, feisty heroine, hurt feelings, pregnancy, misunderstandings - aside from the pregnancy, it has all of the basic elements of a modern-day chick flick. Oh, and the heroine is unnaturally beautiful. Just once I'd like to read a romance novel where the heroine is not stunningly beautiful with large "tracts of land," a tiny waist and an ample derriere. But as far as the actual writing goes, this book stayed clear of the overly prosaic descriptive sections that seem to set romance novels apart as the most shameful genre of fiction. Alas, there weren't even any fantastic descriptions of "throbbing members" or "heaving bosoms." Hopefully I come across more of those as the summer proceeds.

So that's it, folks, Gentle Rogue. Stay tuned for my next installation, Defy Not The Heart.

Magnificent Summer Romance Novel Book Club

2010-06-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I've kind of abandoned this journal for oh, seven or so months. NO LONGER. I have realized that the best blogs are those with a concentrated focus. So for the next couple months, I will use this journal to escape from the difficulties of the ASU Nursing Program and to instead review romance novels from the late 70s to early 90s. I have just purchased a lot of 18 historical romance novels by Johanna Lindsey, a relatively well-known romance novelist, and my plan is to provide a photo of the cover of my current novel and a synopsis of the novel. Maybe you will even want to read it afterward. Probably not. They are sometimes pretty bad. But the covers - oh the covers. Half-naked Fabio graces the covers of most of them, accompanied by floozies in varying states of disarray. This shall be a summer to remember.

Why?

2009-09-08T23:21:00.002-07:00

The mornings are kind of hard, what with having to get up and feed myself and the cat and get to school on time. But nights are the worst. I wanted this apartment with the separate rooms so that we could be together 24/7 and still have our privacy. But it isn't that way. You're always at your boyfriend's house to sleep, and when you get home from classes you're either cranky or sleepy and neither is very much fun to be around.

Not to mention we have next to no food. I have eaten ramen noodles and popcorn today. And a bagel. That is all. It was your turn to buy the groceries this week, but you bought maybe $30 worth of food because you spent our food money on your sorority dues because you quit your job. Just quit the sorority! You hate it anyway.

And our cat! He is sweet and lovable but you yell at him when he knocks your stuff over on accident. You never feed him or play with him. He watches the door when you leave and sits by your bedroom door waiting for you to get home.

Please be here for us. We miss you.

And the green grass grows all around

2009-05-21T20:58:00.002-07:00

I've been here for about a week now - actually, exactly a week. My plane landed at 11:00pm last Thursday. I was so excited to be home - green trees, grass, blooming flowers, my bedroom, my family, my friends. It seemed to me that everything I loved was here. But...that is not so. I have also grown to love the searing heat of the Arizona desert (well, not love exactly), the intense glare of the sun, the bustle of an actual city. And now I find myself pining for Arizona the way I used to pine for Wisconsin. And whenever someone asks me what I'm doing after college, I get a sinking feeling in my chest. My answer used to be an instantaneous "Oh, I'm definitely going back home." But now the thought of trading the wild beauty of Arizona for the equally lovely if a bit more domestic Wisconsin is harder - the lines of home have blurred. If home is where the heart is, and my home is in two places, does that mean my heart is in two pieces?

Get me a one way ticket on the FAILboat

2009-05-03T23:51:00.002-07:00

I pretty much had an FML weekend. I sat around, watched some BSG, and ate. OH EXCEPT FOR MY CONCERT WHICH WAS GOOD.

And. Just thought you all should know, I'm going to be singing for EL PRESIDENTE DE LOS ESTADOS UNIDOS.

Goodnight.

Smiles and Denials aren't enough

2009-04-13T20:12:00.002-07:00

It's been six years.

I say I hate April. I say it's because it's a crappy month, the end of school, too many tests, etc, etc, etc, and I let it go unspoken or unknown why I really hate it. I really hate it because the tears start in April. I start to have a really awful week, and for some reason I can't hold the tears in anymore, and I start to cry in class. And then it hits me. It's April. Of course.

It didn't used to be the whole month. A couple of years ago, only the second week in April was hell. But for some reason (probably me blowing it out of proportion) the hellishness extended itself into the whole month. And honestly, April probably wouldn't be so bad if the tears were just confined to the reason I hate April. But through some stupid cosmic joke, everything upsets me. School, work, boys, television, EVERYTHING. And then when I finally have someone to talk to, to cry on, the tears won't come.

I hate April because my Momma died on April 14th, 2003. And I hate it. I hate that I still feel like I can't talk about her death without making people feel uncomfortable. I feel like I can't talk about that night, because the horror is just too much for people. And meanwhile it's eating me up. So. Since this is read by no one, I'll just tell you.

The whole week before she died was awful. We had to rent a hospital bed and put it in the living room because she couldn't walk up the stairs anymore. Her friends came over with gaudy fat-lady underpants because her body was swelling up with fluid, and I couldn't hug her without feeling her wince in pain. But she still smiled and kept herself busy - picking out the curtains in our living room - yellow and lacy to match the sunny yellow walls. On her last day I was in the living room, about to go out for something, when she called me over. She tried to talk to me about what she wanted for my future - a husband that would show me the world - and I brushed her off. I can remember the condescending smile on my face, the "Oh, okay," I said as I patted her hand and walked away. I'm so ashamed that the last conversation we had went like that. Because later that night, the fluid in her lungs had gotten so bad that we had to call an ambulance. I remember sitting in the kitchen as the ambulence pulled up in the driveway, and writing a poem about how much it hurt, not fully participating in the scene. It just felt so surreal, a feeling that persists to this day.

Maggie and I were hustled off to Aunt Karen's house, where we were put into the bunk beds. I couldn't sleep. I stared at the digital clock on the dresser and at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling and waited for sleep. It didn't come. Aunt Karen came into our room at around midnight, and said "It's going to happen tonight." We got into the minivan and drove to the hospice. It was deceptively beautiful and peaceful. Our footsteps echoed in the hallway, and then we were in the room. She lay on the bed, unconscious, breathing loudly, and occasionally making pitiful crying noises. My dad said that she wasn't in any pain, it was just the air going past her vocal cords. I don't know if that was true. Her parents and best friends were there, all looking haggard and tired. My dad encouraged us to say goodbye. And I just hung back. I can't remember if I said goodbye or not. The next thing I remember is driving back to the glow-in-the-dark stars, and then Aunt Karen's quiet footsteps in the room, and a whisper. "She's gone. She's in heaven now."

It took a year and a half to really sink in. The smiles and denials worked for a while, but there was the day when all the walls I'd built suddenly crashed down, and I was able, for the first time to really cry for her, and for me. And ever since then, April has been my nemesis. I haven't been back to her grave for 3 years. I can't do it. Just like I couldn't listen to her. Just like I couldn't say goodbye, just like I couldn't cry.

Spring Break and Other Adventures

2009-03-18T16:24:00.002-07:00

So spring break was pretty great actually. I shall expound in haiku form.

Short flight to San Fran
Lost my iPod, woe is me
Alas, no more tunes.

Walked around city
Sea lions swam, basked in sun
Chowder in bread bowl.

Breathtaking landscape
Walked dog around park, up hills
Exhausted dog, me.

Took Old Time Picture
in Old-Town Sacramento
Saw Arnold's Office.

Read books - vampires,
wizards, and funny memoirs
Relaxing, restful.

Flight back, late at night
boring without my iPod
Home sweet home, Tempe.

And now Maggie is here and taking up all of my free time and apartment space. I tend to keep my apartment fairly tidy - I make an effort to do dishes every day, keep my junk from piling up, etc. But now that she's here her stuff has exploded ALL OVER and it is making me really anxious. She doesn't do her own dishes, her clothes have taken up my entire side of the room, and she's always around. And I love her to death, but she's driving me bonkers. 10 days is WAY too long to spend on vacation, especially in a small, one-bedroom apartment. I have no private time and I'm pretty sure Michelle is going crazy too. Blerg.

I just realized that in my last stanza of the haiku, I referred to Tempe as home sweet home. And really, that's kind of how I feel about it. I love Wisconsin, but against my wishes, I now have a second home. I've become accustomed to warm weather in March, with nary a cloud in the sky. I've grown to love the smell of orange blossoms in the spring, and the smell of the dust mixing with the rain after a storm. So I'm sorry my Appleton friends, but Tempe is my home now too. And I don't know how I'm going to deal with that in two years.

Too much coloring, not enough thinking

2009-03-12T22:54:00.003-07:00

So I have this problem.
I like to color pictures of Disney Princesses (All except Snow White. I really dislike her.).
That is not the problem.
I also like to experiment with the colors of their outfits.
That is not the problem either.
I cannot find a workable color alteration for Ariel.
That is the problem.
Jasmine and Belle and Aurora and Cinderella are all very easy to swap colors on - it is plausible that they have other outfits than the ones they are always drawn in. After all, they are princesses. But no matter how I try, I cannot get any tail and shell bra color combination besides green and purple respectively to work for Ariel. I feel like I am letting her down.
I tried a magenta tail and an orange bra once. That was awful. Less awful but still not aesthetically pleasing was the blue tail and pink bra. I just don't know what to do! I feel like I am letting her down by not being able to give her a different color combination! She must get so bored watching all the other princesses get pretty new outfits while she has to stick with her rather uninspired purple and green motif.

On a different note, I spent approximately six hours today watching Alias. And I remembered just why I love that show so much - all of the characters are completely believable, they draw you in and make you sympathize with them. Even the bad guys have motivations and are well characterized. I don't care what you say, more dramas need to be like Alias. Character-driven with interesting plot points in between.

And on a final note - MAGGIE'S COMING TOMORROW!!!!!

Betsy's playlist!

2009-02-16T12:09:00.001-07:00

Here you go Betsy! I made you a playlist because I don't have any blank cds/postage. Enjoy!!

Seriously?

2009-01-21T16:25:00.002-07:00

So here I am in my three hour lecture. It's a pretty big class. We go over the syllabus, check out the calendar, discuss assignments, and then my professor sits down at her desk, crosses her arms and says "So. Tell me about yourselves."

Seriously? We're really going to waste my valuable time/money on juvenile getting to know you crap? We're not in high school anymore, and I expected that these silly rituals would be left behind.

Lame.

2008-12-14T00:58:00.001-07:00

Every so often I catch myself thinking about her like she's still around.

And then I remember she's not and it breaks my heart all over again.

Jesus loves you, this I know

2008-12-08T23:44:00.003-07:00

...for the Bible tells me so.

Sometimes I wonder why I believe so strongly in God and His son and His rules and laws and love. It doesn't make any sense, really. There's no empirical evidence for it. Is it only because I was brought up to believe that it holds any sway over me? Do I have faith only because my parents have faith, or is there some seed of original belief in me? Is my faith my own? I doubt - does that mean I'm not a believer? I sin - does that mean I'm not a Christian? I consciously make decisions every day that I know Jesus would be ashamed of. I swear, I gossip, I lie, I envy. I have rejected so many of the things my parents taught me, why do I cling so fervently to this one?

And yet...

When someone asks me about my faith, about my beliefs, about my convictions, something inside me fills up to the brim with certainty and strength. I can answer their questions unhesitatingly- yes, Jesus is my personal savior, yes, I believe unswervingly that I will go to Heaven when I die, yes, Jesus loves you, he loves me, he loves everyone so completely that to be separated from that love would be completely devastating. I am moved to tears by the music of worship, I am filled with deep sadness for my loved ones who don't know Christ. I believe that the Bible is indeed the word of God, and that he leaves his word open for interpretation. I believe that Jesus loves everyone, regardless of sexual orientation or religious background or sinful past.

And so I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I don't know why or how I believe, I know what I believe, and that's the important part. Faith without reason or justification. Belief without explanation or fact. Just the simple, intrinsic, deep-rooted knowledge that God exists. He is love. And he loves me.

Bad decisions

2008-11-22T04:49:00.003-07:00

So you know how every so often you make a decision you know you'll regret and then you just have to live with it come the next day?

I made one of those tonight.

And I'm not saying that it was necessarily a completely bad decision. It definitely left me with some firm conclusions about myself.

But OH BOY.

There will be some MAJOR fallout tomorrow. And I'm not really looking forward to cleaning it up.

I'll follow you into the dark

2008-11-16T21:01:00.002-07:00

"If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied,
and illuminate the nos on their vacancy signs,
if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
then I'll follow you into the dark."

I've been feeling melancholy today - not even that, just lonely. I just need someone to be next to me, to touch, to hold, to hold me. I am sinking so deep into loneliness that I actually lay down on my bed today with my squishy bird in my arms and imagined that Jared Padalecki was next to me being my big spoon. Really, that only made it worse. The fact that I have no one to be physically close with is really weighing on me. I have realized that I relate primarily through touch, and right now I haven't been close with anyone since August. It's getting so bad that I'm worried I might end up making decisions I don't want to. I mean, if I really wanted to, I could definitely find someone to be intimate with, but I don't. I don't want to cheapen a moment where all I need is to be physically close to someone with what would inevitably devolve into something sexual, but I'm afraid that at this rate, I just might.

So, I guess that what I want to say is that I miss you because with us that stupid touch barrier doesn't exist and that it's not awkward when we hug and because I'm comfortable just sitting next to you with our feet touching and that's enough for me.

Music

2008-10-23T16:06:00.002-07:00

I made a playlist for you because I am feeling emo and I think you will like it.

In a melancholy sort of mood

2008-10-23T00:54:00.002-07:00

Do you ever have those days that are just ordinary days but for some reason by the end of them you feel so despairing and so depressed and so unsure of yourself that you just don't even know who you are anymore?

Today was kind of like that.

And it's not that I don't know who I am, necessarily, but more like I don't know who other people are. I've come to the conclusion that several people who I counted as friends are not exactly as such, considering that real friends do not a) ignore you, b) belittle you, c) make fun of you, d) talk shit about you to their other friends. So I have to friend-break-up with someone, and then I have to lean more heavily on other friends, and I'm not even sure they want to be real friends. Real friends hang out. Real friends do things with each other. Real friends reply to facebook posts.

I just kind of want to cry. Instead, I'm going to listen to emo music on my ipod and fall asleep.

To reuse a simile from calculus...

2008-10-19T00:08:00.003-07:00

...this weekend has been a veritable cosine graph of ups and downs.

Up: I started work - and work is fantastic. I get to listen/watch amazing shows, smile at people for a total of about 2 out of the four hours I work, and then I get to do homework and read for the rest.

Down: I started work. I worked Thursday night, Friday night, today's matinee and evening show, and I work tomorrow night. That's a total of 20 hours in one weekend. Uy.

Up: I went out last night and had a FANTASTIC time. I hung out with some really chill people and had a lot of fun.

Down: I went out last night and became a little tipsy and started becoming friendly with this guy who looked kind of like Frodo, and we sat next to each other on the couch and he put one arm around me and the other on my leg and I was starting to get comfortable when Michelle told me that Jordan was uncomfortable with that situation and so I spurned Frodo's advances even though it felt really nice that someone was paying attention to me and holding me. I am THAT nice.

Up: I didn't have a hangover.

Down: I have a sore throat and I blame it on bacteria from the highly unsanitary conditions of the beer pong game responsible for my inebriation. P.S. Beer is really really nasty. It tastes like liquid bread dough with fizz.

Up: I met some really cute guys at work.

Down: They have girlfriends/are aware that dating a coworker is a bad idea.

Up: Sarah Palin on SNL!

Down: It's Saturday night and I'm sitting in my apartment making an emo playlist and watching Sarah Palin on SNL.

Like I said. My life is a cosine graph.

Virtute

2008-10-14T22:41:00.001-07:00

This song made me bawl like a baby.

It is about a cat named Virtute. Virtute is going deaf, and can no longer hear her person.

I miss my cat. :(

You know you're desperate when...

2008-09-30T23:17:00.002-07:00

...you find yourself on facebook clicking on one of your interests to see who shares it, and then you end up stalking a complete stranger because he likes the same television shows you do.

But seriously? He's from Romania. And likes Firefly (a new love of mine), Dexter, Heroes, Supernatural (!!!!!), Scrubs and the Office. And he's SMOKIN'.

Did I mention he was from Romania?

So do I do the stalker thing and just stalk him from facebook or do I do the giant creeper thing and send him a message...?

2008-09-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

If I was caught in a storm,
You’d be the rain.
If I was a song
You’d be the refrain.
If I cried my heart out,
You’d be in each tear,
Then you’d wipe them away,
Say I’d nothing to fear,
Because if you wrote your story
I’d be in each word,
And if my soul had a sound,
It’d be all you heard.
If my life had a soundtrack,
You’d be singing the love song,
So sweetheart be still,
You’re all I live for,
I’ll always be here,
Because I’m yours.

What do my sleep habits and the economy have in common?

2008-09-23T15:00:00.004-07:00

They're both in a recession!! Haha, I'm so funny.

I've been having some trouble sleeping. Not that I've been having trouble falling asleep, actually that's going quite well (aside from the fact that after I went to bed last night I stayed awake mentally arranging a brilliant beginning to my Christmas song for Pitchforks). Rather, I've been having trouble wanting to go to sleep. Instead of yearning to retreat into the warm, inviting morass of comforters and sheets, I find myself overtaken by a desire to stay up later and watch more television. As a result, I'm sleeping less because even though none of my classes start until noon, the bright morning sun decides to pierce our paper-thin (I kid you not, our shades are made of paper) shades at approximately 5:45 every morning. I can only sleep in broad daylight for so long, and I thus drag my exhausted butt out of bed at 9:00am. So...more television equals less sleep. What a cruel, cruel world we live in that I have to sacrifice one of my great loves for the other.

And on the other hand, I'm a bit apprehensive about the economy. My father has assured me that the stock market will (probably) not crash and that we are (probably) not going to go into a recession/depression (haha political commentators, I'd say we're already in a recession), and yet, I have trouble coming to terms with the fact that $700 billion is "needed" for the government to bail out mortgages. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. Where does the government even get that kind of money? Aren't we wallowing in a massive national debt? I just have such hard time believing that we're going to get through this crisis.

And while I'm on the topic of things I just don't understand, why in the world is there SO MUCH GRASS IN ARIZONA?! There is no reason for there to be this much grass. Arizona is a desert, people, there's not supposed to be grass in your front yard. And yes, you're wasting IMMENSE amounts of water in your quest for emerald green lawns. So please, explain why, in a desert state that is experiencing a water crisis, and at a university that prides itself on sustainability, THERE ARE SO MANY LAWNS?!

Sometimes I just get tired of living in a world that doesn't care about the world they live on.

ETA: Also...I don't know how I feel about the death penalty. But I do feel that as "closure" for the families of murder victims, it sucks. There is nothing healthy about rejoicing in the death of anyone, even if that person caused the death of a loved one. Ultimately, it can only bring more suffering.

I woke up 12 hours ago...

2008-09-07T22:31:00.002-07:00

...and I'm still sleepy. WTF brain?

This weekend I decided that I'm going to be more stylish, more food savvy, and all in all a better, more adult person. So I started out by eating half a log of sugar cookie dough and spending a lot of money on clothing. Great job self, great job. And then, instead of focusing on my schoolwork like a mature adult, what do I do? I watch television and browse through the PostSecret facebook group. I suppose that the 800+ secrets did make me feel good about myself in that I've never done anything that I really regret, or that I don't have any deep dark relationship secrets.

Actually, that's untrue. I realized the other day (and this fully illustrates the extent of my pathetic existence) that I haven't been in love with anyone since junior year of high school (well, actual people in real life, that is). I haven't had that floaty heart-in-your-throat, rock-in-your-stomach, can't-breathe-to-save-your-life feeling for 2 years and nine months. And this realization really kind of makes me sick to my stomach, because that means that I used Jordan. I made him be in love with me when I didn't even really like him that much. And the really sick thing is that I knew it too. I knew that he and I weren't going to work out, and I let him think that we were. I let him have hopes and dreams, I let him say "I love you" and I even said it back, and that whole time I knew that it wasn't true, not any of it. I've said before that I'm a horrible person, but right now I kind of believe it.

And you know what the sickest thing about it is? I'd probably do it again, just to have someone be that in love with me.

Best Dream Ever

2008-08-30T14:34:00.002-07:00

So here I am at Target with my family. It happens to be celebrity employee night, and all sorts of famous people are there. But wait! It looks as if some evil mastermind has a plan to do some dastardly deed! And alas - it seems as if said dastardly deed will put Christian Bale in danger! But the plot thickens - seeing as it is celebrity employee night, the store is full to the brim with fangirls, all swooning and begging for Christian Bale's autograph. I see his face - he is exhausted and far from being a smiling, gracious autograph signer. This mob of teen girls has completely drained the life from him. So in I swoop and so doing, rescue Christian Bale from not only the hordes of screaming fans, but also the imminent danger! The scene ends as, surrounded by my family, Christian Bale takes my hand. He shakes it, then looks into my eyes. Still holding my hand, he leans forward and kisses me on the top of my head, then walks away.

My. Life. Is. Now. Complete.

Classes, Schmlasses, lets watch TV!

2008-08-25T14:10:00.004-07:00

I think that I am going to be either one of two things this year - either really bored or REALLY BUSY. I'm leaning towards really bored right now, considering that the first day of my supposedly really difficult lab covered things that we covered in Sophomore biology in high school. I mean really, Punnet Squares? Those are super easy. And who doesn't know what the patellar region is? (That one was a joke). Anyway, in light of this imminent boredom, my plan is this - to try and study as much as possible! AHAHAHAHAHAHA, just kidding. Watch more tv. And BLOG about it! You won't have to watch TV anymore because I have decided that along with posting a link to a comprehensive recap of the show at Television Without Pity, I will provide my own commentary on the happenings of my favorite shows!

Let's start out with the newest addition to my lineup of must see tv - Veronica Mars! I have resisted watching this for a while, simply because it was on UPN and honestly, that's where television shows go to die. But amid much praise from people whose opinions I actually care about, I decided to give it a go (also because it's only three seasons and it's off the air, so it's something I can watch when I want to, not obsessively because I have to see the episode before the next airs). Anyway. This gem of a show follows the show's namesake, one 17-year-old private eye who helps her father, the disenfranchised former sheriff of the small town in which the live, to solve cases for his numerous clients, all while navigating the perilous straits of high school unpopularity. Now while this all sounds vaguely cheesy and cliched, the show pulls it off with flair! I'm three episodes in, and I'm hooked! So there you go, more commentary to follow.

Also...Docotr Who is pretty much monopolizing my thoughts recently. It's a smart, funny sci-fi based show (but not weird in the way that many are) and frought with British accents (because the show airs in the UK on BBC). But not only is it funny, it is poignant and occasionally heart-wrenching, and at this present moment, my heart is decidedly wrenched. Practically in two. I'm desperate to move on to series three, because right now the thought of the second season finale threatens to reduce me to a wailing, bawling baby.

Anyway, guess I ought to be off, this is rather a lot for one post...

We interrupt this blog...

2008-08-21T12:22:00.001-07:00

...to feature a different one!

Watch this!

Fill the spaces with wood in places to make it feel like home

2008-08-20T16:01:00.002-07:00

So here I am at ASU. It's about a bajillion degrees out and I've already sweated through two outfits. I've lugged my duffel and backpack halfway across campus, then lugged 50 pounds of boxes (at the same time I might add) up to my seventh floor room, then did what I could to spruce up this place. It's actualy quite cute, and what I'm sure a realtor would call "charming" (read: tiny). I'd love to take a shower, but that's kind of an impossibility due to the astonishing lack of a shower curtain (didn't even think about that one). Also, the walls look rather naked. If you love me, you could send me a poster to make them less boring.

So in a rather geeky turn of events, I've accidentally been pulled back into fandom, at least partially. Now, I have no plans whatsoever to start reading/writing fanfic again, but I do rather enjoy watching the comms. I've always been more of a lurker than an active participant, however, I do know that my OTP is definitely Sydney/Vaughn. Easily. By a mile. Their love story can still make me catch my breath and sigh.

That being said, I recently started two new shows, Entourage and Doctor Who (the 2005 version). While I am less than impressed with Entourage (I guess I just don't relate to the lifestyle...) I'm incredibly hooked on Doctor Who. It's pretty much the best sci-fi show I've ever seen (this does not count Alias or Supernatural, those are spy-fi and horror-style-buddy-drama, respectively). It's funny and entertaining, and I highly recommend it. Oh, and British accents. Delightful.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

2008-08-13T11:02:00.002-07:00

So I'm packing. It's kind of a breeze, actually, which I was not expecting. I didn't realize how little I brought home. Really all I have to bring back with me is clothes and electronics, and a few dvds.

Packing is actually getting me a little excited to go back to school. I mean, I'd love to stay in WI for the rest of my life, but back at school there's a faster internet connection, classes (yeah, I'm a dork), and Pitchforks. So...there are exactly three things about ASU that don't exist here. Hopefully these three will be enough to get me through the semester.

Somehow I doubt it.

P.S. The title is a line from Africa, by Toto

August beginnings (get it, it's a pun!)

2008-08-07T11:45:00.002-07:00

It's August. And I will be back in AZ in less than two weeks. Blergh. This has me so disheartened that I can barely get myself to write. Argh.

Where are all the nice guys hiding?

2008-07-12T17:36:00.003-07:00

So I met the most amazing guy today.

Now, I don't know if I was actually attracted to him, or if I was just kinda stunned by the fact that he was without question the most sincere, genuine, open person I've ever met, and he had a real heart for God.

Why can't there be more people like him in the world? And if there are, where are they and why haven't I met them yet?

Gee, is it July already?

2008-07-08T14:39:00.003-07:00

Okay, so when did it become July? And how come I only have 5 weeks left of summer? This is ridiculous.

Except not quite as ridiculous as the facts that
a) I just added two new shows to the ones that I watch.
b) I actually interrupted writing this post to listen to Christmas music
c) I actually kind of want to go back to school

I know. Awful right? Not only am I a tv junkie, I'm an aseasonal music listening, school-hankering, tv junkie. Ew. I pretty much revile myself a little bit.

...

In other news, the world of college a capella music is pretty much AMAZING. It's pretty ridiculous that people can do all of that with their voices. I really want Pitchforks to reach that level of awesomeness, but I feel that even though our hearts are in it, we don't really work as hard as we could or should. We have an exceptional group of girls, but alas, we tend to slack off at our rehearsals and not focus as well as we should. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to compete in the ICCA, but do we really have the dedication to make it work? *sigh* 5 weeks til school starts and already I'm having a conniption about it.

Blurgh.

...that was weird

2008-06-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm sure that by now you all know about my ridiculous obsession with Supernatural and the lovely men thereof. I thought I was alone in loving this television series, at least within the sphere of people that I actually communicate with. Anyway, last night I get home at like 11:30, and see my dad still up (keep in mind that his usual bedtime is 9:30), and not only this, but he was watching Supernatural. I mean yeah, the guy was a hardcore trekkie and never missed an episode of the X-Files, but really? I had not figured that when I watched a couple episodes with him that he would end up staying up for two hours past his bedtime watching my favorite show. It was just really weird.

And also in the "that was weird" vein, pretty sure the entire evening at ROS was spent discussing men and the anatomical parts which they possess. I was quite scandalized by the fact that people much younger than me (and I assumed more innocent) had become much more familiar with the various things that go along with a hardcore make-out session.

...

In quite a different vein, I love to play the piano. I just recently learned how to play "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles, and that has occupied the musical bit of my brain for the past couple days.

Speaking of the musical part of my brain, I've been obsessed with several songs over the past couple of weeks - here they are.

Life in the Fast Lane - The Eagles
I Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon
Back in Black - ACDC

Classic rock is where it's at.

I Can't Fight This Feeling Any Longer

2008-05-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

So for some reason every time I leave Barnes and Noble on any particular weekend, I am left with an inexplainable, unquenchable need to be or do or have more than I am or do or have. I leave with a sense that I should immediately begin working on my Pulitzer prize-winning novella, or that I should somehow bump into the man of my dreams and fall madly in love and have a whirlwind romance. And this desire or urge or whatever it is always goes unfulfilled because, as I well know, I will never start my Pulitzer prize-winning novella or meet the man of my dreams immediately after leaving Barnes and Noble at 11:00 on a Friday or Saturday because, let's face it, I have no motivation or inspiration to write my novella, and the man of my dreams is definitely not going to jump out in front of my moped as I whiz down the street and cause me to stop and fall in love with him.

But nonetheless, that desire just hits me every time. And after the urgency of the feeling has passed, I am left with a strange aftertaste of sorts that causes me to listen to emo music and classic rock.

So that's what I'm doing right now, as well as experimenting with making livejournal icons. Except that I'm worried they'll all turn out incredibly emo. Like me.

And now I actually kind of feel like an adult

2008-05-18T19:38:00.002-07:00

Mostly because of this whole 9-5 sort of job thing I have going on. It is a giant pain in the rear end. I get up early, work all day, come home, eat, maybe watch a little Supernatural (whose season finale pretty much blew me out of the water!!) and then go to bed (ridiculously early because I'm so tired from working all day) and start all over. And this weekend really didn't help all that much.

So in addition to my job at the clinic, I'm also back at Swimtastic. Woohoo. Anyway, I was asked to help out with a Kid's Expo out past the mall. Our booth included a dunk tank. Lots of fun, you say? Hardly. It was quite possibly the most miserable, spirit-crushing, physically uncomfortable experience of my entire life. Not only did I have to sit almost naked (I was wearing a swimsuit) on a metal seat while small children threw giant baseballs to dunk me in the water, but the water was frigid. The venue at which the expo was being held had an unfortunate lack of a hot water heater. So...picture me, for 2 and 1/2 hours in a swimsuit being continually dunked in a giant tank of freezing cold water. I was so numb I was actually crying as I got dressed in the bathroom stall after my shift was over because putting clothes on hurt so badly.

I do not get paid well enough for that.

Obligatory End-of-School List-type-thing

2008-05-06T10:50:00.002-07:00

Despite all of my efforts to avoid the typical end-of-year nostalgia, it has quietly, carefully, sneakily crept up on me and grabbed me firmly in its clutches. I think that it is human nature to feel a bit of regret any time something comes to an end, no matter how awful or wonderful or scary or new or boring or exciting it is. Human beings are creatures of habit - we like to have things stay the same, to remain static, to change as little as possible (or perhaps that's just me). And though I'll be glad to leave this place behind, to move out of the 225 or so square feet that I have called my own for the last nine months, I feel...not sad, not unhappy, not like I'll miss it terribly, but something kind of other. Wistful is close, but I'm not sure that that captures it either. Whatever it is, it demands that I make a list of things that I've learned. So, here goes.

-Living with someone is like being in a relationship - there's a give and take (and a give me back my stuff) and you have to pick your battles.
-Although solitude is nice, people really do need other people. Being alone all the time really is not good for a person.
-There are 10x more bacterial cells in/on your body than your actual body cells. EW.
-Drunk people are not as entertaining in real life as they are in the movies.
-It is impossible to write something that hasn't been written before.
-Money actually doesn't grow on trees, and you never need it more than when you don't have it.
-Eating healthily and living in a dorm are mutually exclusive.
-Although women are more likely than men to admit to being attracted to people of the same gender, men are more likely to have actually had a homosexual experience. Makes you wonder about boy scout camp.
-Boys are incredibly focused on appearance and will judge you very harshly. No matter what you look like, they will find a flaw (and it doesn't matter what they look like either - a fat kid is just as likely - if not more - to judge a girl for being chubby).
-As much as it is fun to be with people, you also always need time to regroup alone.
-It is impossible to get through a Monday morning without Starbucks.

Goodbye, ASU. See you in four months.

I'm noticing a trend...

2008-05-05T11:09:00.002-07:00

I'm beginning to notice a trend with me...this addiction to television is nothing new - now that I think about it, I've been addicted to one show or another at pretty much all stages of my life (well, except for those couple of years where we didn't have cable, but hey, who wants to remember that?).

My recent reminiscings have brought me to the cartoon show Aladdin. This aired in the mid-90's and brought my tiny little 6-8 year old heart a lot of joy. Unfortunately, this show is COMPLETELY UNAVAILABLE ON THE INTERNET!! Sure, there are the odd clips on youtube, but alas, there are no full episodes available anywhere! This I ascribe to the fact that Disney has yet to release this 87-episode series on DVD. This, I declare, is a travesty! I used to watch Aladdin every day at 4:00 pm! I was deeply invested in the plotlines of each and every episode! I watched with delight as Aladdin and Co. defended Agrabah from villains of every shape, size, gender and nationality! I giggled at the half-baked schemes of Iago and Abu! So tell me, Disney, why have you not made this fantastic show available on DVD? Why do you continue to keep it locked up in the Disney vault? Why do you torture me so??????

This show is not even shown on ToonDisney anymore. Its counterpart, the equally funny, if not quite as well-developed Timon and Pumbaa is shown regularly (which I resent even though I do not have this channel).

So I beg you, Disney, release Aladdin from its confines in your dark and musty vault of forgotten children's cartoon shows. And while you're at it, you might as well also release the Little Mermaid tv show, because that's halfway entertaining as well.

P.S. Maggie and I also had the Aladdin tv show card game at my Grandma's house. It too was incredibly entertaining.

I really should be studying, but...

2008-05-03T19:35:00.003-07:00

...I'd much rather be here complaining about my life.

I hate studying with a burning passion. Why should I even bother studying for chemistry if I have to get a 98% to get an A? Is there even a point?

Instead I'm posting and watching The Suite Life. Some life I have.

Blah blah blah something witty

2008-04-30T12:09:00.003-07:00

End of the year blah blah blah, nostalgia blah blah blah, i'll miss it blah blah blah blah blah.

None of that is true. I cannot even WAIT to get my tushie out of this hellhole of a dormitory and make my pilgrimage back to my personal Eden...the wonderful springtime paradise that is Appleton, WI. Nothing is more beautiful than the sight of ACTUAL TREES AND GRASS, not to mention my lovely family and my KITTY CAT!!!! I honestly have no qualms about leaving this place. None. Zip. Zilch. That is why I am already mostly packed to go home. I have nothing left to do except get on that plane and BE HOME ALREADY.

Do the capital letters adequately get my point across? I feel as if they do. I'm super excited.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Television Television

2008-04-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

I love television. I love everything about it. I love that episodes are at most an hour long, I love that the length of a season allows for more character development than in a film, I love that the writing and the acting are just as good as film...I think that the current offering of television dramas and comedies far outshines the crap we have in the box office these days. And of course, I have my favorite shows - Alias, 30 Rock, the Office, Scrubs, Arrested Development, Supernatural, Gossip Girl, Buffy...the list goes on.

Not only do I have a love for television, I also have somewhat of an obsession. Rare is the day when I don't go online to view an episode of my current show (which is six feet under, btw). Rare also is the day when I do not obsessively discuss details of some television show with an unwitting or unwilling victim. And rarest of all is the day I do not plop myself down in front of my television set and mindlessly watch something I don't even like when I should be doing homework.

This relationship that television and I have is supremely unhealthy. My happiness practically depends on the availability of the latest episode of the Office, I can't have a social life on Thursdays because the lineup is too good to miss. I know that I'm an addict - I know this, and yet I cannot get myself to quit. I've tried to go cold turkey, and I thought perhaps the strike would teach me to live without television, but no! I only grew more desperate for serial plotlines and awkward humor.

Alas, I fear that I will never break the spell that the television industry has so carefully and tightly woven about me. My case is a hopeless one - rather than have a life I shall rot in front of my tv, slowly dying of a vitamin D deficiency.

You know what I hate?

2008-04-08T18:20:00.001-07:00

hate it when people who are perfectly capable of making a good point resort to name-calling and blind character attacks.
I hate it when I'm the only one in my lab group who actually knows what they're doing.
I hate it when I have two tests and two lab papers in two days.
I hate the fact that I'm 2000 miles away from the only person that really understands me.
I hate that my brother is being deployed again.
I hate that I can't control my addiction to television.
I hate that my room is a mess and I can't motivate myself to clean it.

I just hate life right now, okay?

Warning: Weekend of Mayhem Ahead

2008-04-04T13:56:00.001-07:00

Lots of things to do this weekend, not the least of which is Michelle's sorority formal. I'm still deciding whether or not I want to rush Alpha Phi for next year, and maybe this event will help me decide one way or another. We had a fun time last night deciding who was going to wear what. We eventually decided that she would wear my ruched blue dress and I would wear her strapless black number. We also switched heels - silver strappy for her, leopard-print peep-toe for me. It will be TIGHT. Also, big poofy hair. I honestly can't imagine that anyone will be better dressed than us.

Ooh. Must get fake nails too.

Saw the Indiana Jones trailer today. Also the Incredible Hulk and Ironman. And Batman. Summer movies are the best!! Action, Christian Bale and superheroes and old favorites coming back and Christian Bale? Go watch the trailers now. Do it. You won't regret it.

Did I mention Christian Bale?

Sunday from

2008-03-31T13:47:00.001-07:00

If there is one thing you do not want to do on a Sunday morning, it is wake up, and instantly know that you are going to lose your cookies. And if there is anything worse than that, it is probably kneeling over a toilet for the next 5 hours as your body violently tries to expel the entire contents of your stomach, even after there is nothing left. And if you should then spend the rest of the day doing homework and nibbling on saltine crackers, you just might have had the worst day ever.

Being sick away from home sucks major ass. All you want is someone to take care of you, get you pillows and ginger ale and your favorite blanky and a movie, but all you have is your roommate and her annoying techno trance music and your floormates' mocking laughter.

Can you blame a girl for being bitter?

What I don't want to hear at 11:00pm

2008-03-26T13:46:00.003-07:00

So...life is hard sometimes, yes? Yes. I think that is something that can be mutually agreed upon. But I feel as though recently things have been harder than usual. Maybe because I'm 2000 miles away from the only person I feel that really understands me, maybe because my purported "bestie" is having a crazed bitchfest, maybe because I'm finally realizing that my childhood was not perfect and bathed in golden light, maybe because some of my deepest darkest issues are rising to the surface, whatever. I don't know. I'm finding it really hard to just take a deep breath and soldier on. The overabundance of jelly beans, m&ms and frosted flakes is also making it really hard for me to get out of my wallowy funk and have a life.

I have realized recently that I have deep-seated issues regarding my physical appearence. I noticed of late that I look at other girls and automatically compare myself to them - am I fatter, skinnier, taller, prettier, paler, jigglyer than they are? Which of us is better dressed? Is her hair better than mine? This is an issue for me. And it really doesn't help when people I know critisize girls that are my size, my coloring, or in some small way resemble me (or what I think of myself) and call them ugly, not cute, pale, trashy, etc. And since I hang out almost exclusively with someone that judges quite harshly based on appearence, I feel as though my self-image has taken a turn for the worse. And does this negative self image inspire me to go out and make it better? No. Instead I retreat to my computer to watch back episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and 30 Rock and eat obscene amounts of junk food and green tea. Blargh. I need some professional help.

On an upside, I am now the proud owner of this moped. Cute, huh? Can't you just see me tooling around Appleton on this darling little thing? And also, the FVTC is offering the class I need over the summer so I'll be able to do that. And Michelle is taking me to her sorority's spring formal, so I can dance all night!

Ugh. Must write a lab report. Ew.

This Week the Trend

2008-03-17T18:22:00.002-07:00

I'm back in AZ. Not incredibly exciting, but at least it's warmer than at home. I honestly feel as though when I'm here, I'm just going though the motions - my day falls into a routine that I mindlessly keep to. I don't have a choice. My activities and classes and tv shows dictate when I come and go and eat and sleep. If it keeps going like this, the next month and a half are going to pass by pretty quickly.

I finally changed my major - I'm now officially a nursing student at the College of Nursing and Health Care Innovation. Doesn't that sound spiffy? One hitch though - residential life has a new policy that if you're going to live on campus, you have to live on the campus where your degree is located. For me, that's Downtown Phoenix. And considering that I currently have plans to live on the Tempe campus...that's an issue. I spoke to my advisor about it though, and we can play beaurocratic games so that I'm where I want to be. Honest it is not, but successful it will be. (can you hear the yoda coming out in my voice?)

Read Darkly Dreaming Dexter today (thanks to betsy), and it was surprisingly not as good as the tv show. The tv show really brought more exposition to the table and explained motives and motivations and backstory a lot better. Although, I suppose that is to be expected, considering that the book had about 200 pages and the tv show was about 12 hours...Anyway, you should read the book and then watch the show. It was a thrilling experience.

Anyone want to go for ice cream with me?

Muffins has MRSA?

2008-03-14T11:34:00.004-07:00

I feel like a death row prisoner who only has a few more days until his meeting with the electric chair. Except that in my case, the electric chair is the plane back to AZ. There's really nothing for me to do right now except sit at home wallowing in my dread. Much as I've been bored out of my skull the past week, I really have enjoyed being home where all of the streets are familiar, where the food is legitimately food and having enough time to do what I want to. There's just something about being able to sleep in my own bed (and have it not be a million feet off the floor) that is incredibly comforting. I also very much like this whole no classes thing.

So this morning I logged onto the upstairs computer and looked through all of my files - music, old essays, pictures, fanfic (ugh), poems, stories, all of it. And I floored by what has changed and what has not. I've been writing poems on that computer since eighth grade, and I don't hate the poems I read (the short stories were a different matter...I shudder to think that I thought they were good...). But holy cow, was I prolific. I had over 40 bits of ficion, poetry, fanfic, etc. And even though they weren't all good, I miss being at a place in my life where I could just sit down at a computer and pour my heart out and have it turn into poetry. I really miss that.

So guess what - you could be in danger of getting a horrible disease from your cat. No, not the dreaded cat flu (does that even exist?) but something infinitely more worrisome and deadly - MRSA. That's right. Your trusty puddle of fluff may be harboring a methicillin resistant strain of staphylococcus aureus. Now that's something to make you a little bit wary.

A Long Overdue Return

2008-03-13T17:43:00.005-07:00

I stopped blogging over a year ago. Something about it just soured for me - maybe it was the need for approval (read: comments) that it inspired in me, perhaps the obscene amount of time I spent trolling the communities, or maybe it was a buildup of better things to do.

But I've really missed it. Lately I feel as though I'm unable to express myself as eloquently as I want to, and perhaps a return to the written word will inspire an upswing in the quality of my speech. And even if no one is out there reading, I suppose that blogging is in itself a sort of therapy for me - getting my thoughts out of my head and onto, well, not paper exactly, but you know what I mean. So...please enjoy this while I'm still writing, and even if blogging once again loses it's thrall, I'll have something to look back on in a year or so and wonder to myself at what a silly girl I was.

In the world today...
Why would you do this? Don't you think that 800 dogs is enough for two people? Share the love. Come on.