Jesus loves you, this I know

...for the Bible tells me so.

Sometimes I wonder why I believe so strongly in God and His son and His rules and laws and love. It doesn't make any sense, really. There's no empirical evidence for it. Is it only because I was brought up to believe that it holds any sway over me? Do I have faith only because my parents have faith, or is there some seed of original belief in me? Is my faith my own? I doubt - does that mean I'm not a believer? I sin - does that mean I'm not a Christian? I consciously make decisions every day that I know Jesus would be ashamed of. I swear, I gossip, I lie, I envy. I have rejected so many of the things my parents taught me, why do I cling so fervently to this one?

And yet...

When someone asks me about my faith, about my beliefs, about my convictions, something inside me fills up to the brim with certainty and strength. I can answer their questions unhesitatingly- yes, Jesus is my personal savior, yes, I believe unswervingly that I will go to Heaven when I die, yes, Jesus loves you, he loves me, he loves everyone so completely that to be separated from that love would be completely devastating. I am moved to tears by the music of worship, I am filled with deep sadness for my loved ones who don't know Christ. I believe that the Bible is indeed the word of God, and that he leaves his word open for interpretation. I believe that Jesus loves everyone, regardless of sexual orientation or religious background or sinful past.

And so I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I don't know why or how I believe, I know what I believe, and that's the important part. Faith without reason or justification. Belief without explanation or fact. Just the simple, intrinsic, deep-rooted knowledge that God exists. He is love. And he loves me.

Bad decisions

So you know how every so often you make a decision you know you'll regret and then you just have to live with it come the next day?

I made one of those tonight.

And I'm not saying that it was necessarily a completely bad decision. It definitely left me with some firm conclusions about myself.

But OH BOY.

There will be some MAJOR fallout tomorrow. And I'm not really looking forward to cleaning it up.

I'll follow you into the dark

"If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied,
and illuminate the nos on their vacancy signs,
if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
then I'll follow you into the dark."

I've been feeling melancholy today - not even that, just lonely. I just need someone to be next to me, to touch, to hold, to hold me. I am sinking so deep into loneliness that I actually lay down on my bed today with my squishy bird in my arms and imagined that Jared Padalecki was next to me being my big spoon. Really, that only made it worse. The fact that I have no one to be physically close with is really weighing on me. I have realized that I relate primarily through touch, and right now I haven't been close with anyone since August. It's getting so bad that I'm worried I might end up making decisions I don't want to. I mean, if I really wanted to, I could definitely find someone to be intimate with, but I don't. I don't want to cheapen a moment where all I need is to be physically close to someone with what would inevitably devolve into something sexual, but I'm afraid that at this rate, I just might.

So, I guess that what I want to say is that I miss you because with us that stupid touch barrier doesn't exist and that it's not awkward when we hug and because I'm comfortable just sitting next to you with our feet touching and that's enough for me.