Romance novel number two is Defy Not The Heart. It is the heartwarming and sometimes (though usually not) racy tale of Reina of Clydon and Ranulf Fitz Hugh. The former is a highborn lady whose land and holdings are expansive. I guess you could say she has huge tracts of land. The latter is a landless knight turned mercenary, the bastard son of a lord. Fate (and of course deceit) brings them together and their whirlwind alliance will prove to be beneficial for both.
The Lady Reina of Clydon is in a pickle. Her father has perished in the Crusades, leaving her immensely wealthy, and without a husband. This means that any man who weds her will get all of her holdings. She is desperate to find a husband suitable to her, but she is besieged (literally) by prospective suitors. Her castle is under attack and is about to fall when lo! out of the blue an army (led by the brutishly handsome Ranulf Fitz Hugh) scares off the attacking hoard. Lady Reina welcomes her rescuers into the keep, but is astonished when her guests spirit her off into the night to deliver her to their employer as his new bride! Reina convinces Ranulf to wed her instead, and almost before the reader knows it, they're married! Ranulf takes her to the marriage bed and almost before Reina knows it, her wedding night is over! They fight, they bicker, he has a tragic past filled with child abuse and skanky ladies murdering his illegitimate children, she just wants to be pleased sexually, they discover oral sex, Ranulf reunites with his father and discovers that the skanky lady got married to an uggo, Reina gets preggo, and they live happily ever after.
Alrighty. There are a couple things that struck me about this book. Let's do a list!
1) Reina has a gay best friend! He is her chambermaid, they talk about men and sex, he hits on Ranulf... Guys, it's like Sex and the City! NO. This book is set during the Crusades. I feel like that is a little too early for the whole gay best friend thing to have been a thing. Didn't they burn people at the stake for sodomy back then?
2) Ranulf has a problem with premature ejaculation. Apparently he ruts like a rabbit and pays no attention to his partners wants or desires, and then finishes way too fast. This is never a good thing, especially not in a romance novel.
3) Aside from his little "problem," Ranulf's excuse for not pleasuring his new bride? He's afraid he's going to hurt her. So he goes to a prostitute to ask for advice about pleasuring women and LO AND BEHOLD she tells him about oral sex and he is like "Is that even a thing?" but he does it and TA DAH! it works. His reaction was pretty much my own - did they even have oral sex back in the day? But I mean, if they had sodomy, then I guess non-procreative sex was also probably around.
4) And after all this the author wants us to believe that he gets lots of women and that they follow him around. Not with moves like those, bro.
5) ...And she gets pregnant. Just once, ONCE I want a historical romance novel where the heroine doesn't get pregs right away. Because that always leads to extra angst about "Oh will he still love me?" and "Now he won't make love to me!" and "He has daddy issues so he will hate our child!" Stupid historical women.
But what I DID like was that Reina took things into her own hands. She manipulated her way out of a bad situation into a better one where she was married to someone closer to her age, who was super handsome instead of an old dude who was going to have her kidnapped. So she was fairly smart. Also, apparently her boobs weren't that big. Hey, variety is the spice of life, right?
Stay tuned for the next installment (a double feature) - Fires of Winter and Hearts Aflame.
I received my shipment of 18 Joanna Lindsey historical romance novels on Tuesday, and as of right now (Thursday morning), I have just finished the first - Gentle Rogue. It chronicles the story of Georgina Anderson, a plucky American in search of her long-lost fiance, and James Malory, a notorious womanizer and ex-pirate. Could it get any better?
Yes, yes it can.
How is this for vintage romance novel clinch cover awesomeness? Yes, folks, that's actually Fabio. And he's apparently on a ship, about to hurl the scantily clad heroine over the side of the deck. Notice her sea green eyeshadow. And look! Fabio is sporting some too. Those silly early 19th century ex-pirates and their eye makeup. Not to mention I keep misreading the title as Gentile Rogue. I think someone should write that. It would be amazing. The heroine could be repulsed that the hero ate pork and stuff. And who doesn't love some good religious conflict? ...I digress.
Anyway, our intrepid heroine has arrived in England in search of her fiance, who was impressed into service for the British navy during the War of 1812. She finds him happily married to an English lass and gets super angry and decides the fastest way to get out of England would be to conceal her gender and sign on as a cabin boy for the good ship Maiden Anne. Hmmmm. This plan couldn't POSSIBLY go awry. Of course Captain James Malory sees right through her little ruse and promptly beds her. This doesn't sit well with Georgina's five brothers, and so they force the captain, who has previously stated that he'll never marry (of COURSE he has), to wed their sister. Neither Georgina nor James act very happy about this, although inside they are both glad they have tied the knot. This leads to all SORTS of confusion and hurt feelings and kidnappings back to England, where we learn that Georgina is preggo, because of course there was no birth control in the past. Eventually, under much duress, each admits to the other that they're in love, and they presumably live happily ever after.
Okay. So I actually kind of enjoyed this book. There was no pseudo-rape, which is all too common in historical romance novels. I'll save that rant for later if I actually come across it. Of course it was trope-tastic - reprehensible womanizer, feisty heroine, hurt feelings, pregnancy, misunderstandings - aside from the pregnancy, it has all of the basic elements of a modern-day chick flick. Oh, and the heroine is unnaturally beautiful. Just once I'd like to read a romance novel where the heroine is not stunningly beautiful with large "tracts of land," a tiny waist and an ample derriere. But as far as the actual writing goes, this book stayed clear of the overly prosaic descriptive sections that seem to set romance novels apart as the most shameful genre of fiction. Alas, there weren't even any fantastic descriptions of "throbbing members" or "heaving bosoms." Hopefully I come across more of those as the summer proceeds.
So that's it, folks, Gentle Rogue. Stay tuned for my next installation, Defy Not The Heart.
Okay. So I've kind of abandoned this journal for oh, seven or so months. NO LONGER. I have realized that the best blogs are those with a concentrated focus. So for the next couple months, I will use this journal to escape from the difficulties of the ASU Nursing Program and to instead review romance novels from the late 70s to early 90s. I have just purchased a lot of 18 historical romance novels by Johanna Lindsey, a relatively well-known romance novelist, and my plan is to provide a photo of the cover of my current novel and a synopsis of the novel. Maybe you will even want to read it afterward. Probably not. They are sometimes pretty bad. But the covers - oh the covers. Half-naked Fabio graces the covers of most of them, accompanied by floozies in varying states of disarray. This shall be a summer to remember.
