...and I'm still sleepy. WTF brain?
This weekend I decided that I'm going to be more stylish, more food savvy, and all in all a better, more adult person. So I started out by eating half a log of sugar cookie dough and spending a lot of money on clothing. Great job self, great job. And then, instead of focusing on my schoolwork like a mature adult, what do I do? I watch television and browse through the PostSecret facebook group. I suppose that the 800+ secrets did make me feel good about myself in that I've never done anything that I really regret, or that I don't have any deep dark relationship secrets.
Actually, that's untrue. I realized the other day (and this fully illustrates the extent of my pathetic existence) that I haven't been in love with anyone since junior year of high school (well, actual people in real life, that is). I haven't had that floaty heart-in-your-throat, rock-in-your-stomach, can't-breathe-to-save-your-life feeling for 2 years and nine months. And this realization really kind of makes me sick to my stomach, because that means that I used Jordan. I made him be in love with me when I didn't even really like him that much. And the really sick thing is that I knew it too. I knew that he and I weren't going to work out, and I let him think that we were. I let him have hopes and dreams, I let him say "I love you" and I even said it back, and that whole time I knew that it wasn't true, not any of it. I've said before that I'm a horrible person, but right now I kind of believe it.
And you know what the sickest thing about it is? I'd probably do it again, just to have someone be that in love with me.
2 comments:
I think we all use people sometimes, and I think it's natural for people to use others for love. I mean, if you think about it, relationships in general are definitely selfish...at least until you learn to love someone so completely that your needs and their needs become the same needs...does this even make sense?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no need to feel guilt for what happened with Jordan. He was being just as selfish in expecting you to want a long term relationship.
And it was mostly carolyn and alex drinking...i did have a few sips of wine, felt kinda queasy, and then had water and diet pepsi for the rest of the night :)
dear katie,
you are a better than average person, and you don't need to feel bad. I agree with Preds.
And there is nothing wrong with eating half a log of cookie dough.
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