I Can't Fight This Feeling Any Longer

So for some reason every time I leave Barnes and Noble on any particular weekend, I am left with an inexplainable, unquenchable need to be or do or have more than I am or do or have. I leave with a sense that I should immediately begin working on my Pulitzer prize-winning novella, or that I should somehow bump into the man of my dreams and fall madly in love and have a whirlwind romance. And this desire or urge or whatever it is always goes unfulfilled because, as I well know, I will never start my Pulitzer prize-winning novella or meet the man of my dreams immediately after leaving Barnes and Noble at 11:00 on a Friday or Saturday because, let's face it, I have no motivation or inspiration to write my novella, and the man of my dreams is definitely not going to jump out in front of my moped as I whiz down the street and cause me to stop and fall in love with him.

But nonetheless, that desire just hits me every time. And after the urgency of the feeling has passed, I am left with a strange aftertaste of sorts that causes me to listen to emo music and classic rock.

So that's what I'm doing right now, as well as experimenting with making livejournal icons. Except that I'm worried they'll all turn out incredibly emo. Like me.

What I don't want to hear at 11:00pm

So...life is hard sometimes, yes? Yes. I think that is something that can be mutually agreed upon. But I feel as though recently things have been harder than usual. Maybe because I'm 2000 miles away from the only person I feel that really understands me, maybe because my purported "bestie" is having a crazed bitchfest, maybe because I'm finally realizing that my childhood was not perfect and bathed in golden light, maybe because some of my deepest darkest issues are rising to the surface, whatever. I don't know. I'm finding it really hard to just take a deep breath and soldier on. The overabundance of jelly beans, m&ms and frosted flakes is also making it really hard for me to get out of my wallowy funk and have a life.

I have realized recently that I have deep-seated issues regarding my physical appearence. I noticed of late that I look at other girls and automatically compare myself to them - am I fatter, skinnier, taller, prettier, paler, jigglyer than they are? Which of us is better dressed? Is her hair better than mine? This is an issue for me. And it really doesn't help when people I know critisize girls that are my size, my coloring, or in some small way resemble me (or what I think of myself) and call them ugly, not cute, pale, trashy, etc. And since I hang out almost exclusively with someone that judges quite harshly based on appearence, I feel as though my self-image has taken a turn for the worse. And does this negative self image inspire me to go out and make it better? No. Instead I retreat to my computer to watch back episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and 30 Rock and eat obscene amounts of junk food and green tea. Blargh. I need some professional help.

On an upside, I am now the proud owner of this moped. Cute, huh? Can't you just see me tooling around Appleton on this darling little thing? And also, the FVTC is offering the class I need over the summer so I'll be able to do that. And Michelle is taking me to her sorority's spring formal, so I can dance all night!

Ugh. Must write a lab report. Ew.