Every so often I catch myself thinking about her like she's still around.

And then I remember she's not and it breaks my heart all over again.

Jesus loves you, this I know

...for the Bible tells me so.

Sometimes I wonder why I believe so strongly in God and His son and His rules and laws and love. It doesn't make any sense, really. There's no empirical evidence for it. Is it only because I was brought up to believe that it holds any sway over me? Do I have faith only because my parents have faith, or is there some seed of original belief in me? Is my faith my own? I doubt - does that mean I'm not a believer? I sin - does that mean I'm not a Christian? I consciously make decisions every day that I know Jesus would be ashamed of. I swear, I gossip, I lie, I envy. I have rejected so many of the things my parents taught me, why do I cling so fervently to this one?

And yet...

When someone asks me about my faith, about my beliefs, about my convictions, something inside me fills up to the brim with certainty and strength. I can answer their questions unhesitatingly- yes, Jesus is my personal savior, yes, I believe unswervingly that I will go to Heaven when I die, yes, Jesus loves you, he loves me, he loves everyone so completely that to be separated from that love would be completely devastating. I am moved to tears by the music of worship, I am filled with deep sadness for my loved ones who don't know Christ. I believe that the Bible is indeed the word of God, and that he leaves his word open for interpretation. I believe that Jesus loves everyone, regardless of sexual orientation or religious background or sinful past.

And so I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I don't know why or how I believe, I know what I believe, and that's the important part. Faith without reason or justification. Belief without explanation or fact. Just the simple, intrinsic, deep-rooted knowledge that God exists. He is love. And he loves me.

Bad decisions

So you know how every so often you make a decision you know you'll regret and then you just have to live with it come the next day?

I made one of those tonight.

And I'm not saying that it was necessarily a completely bad decision. It definitely left me with some firm conclusions about myself.

But OH BOY.

There will be some MAJOR fallout tomorrow. And I'm not really looking forward to cleaning it up.

I'll follow you into the dark

"If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied,
and illuminate the nos on their vacancy signs,
if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
then I'll follow you into the dark."

I've been feeling melancholy today - not even that, just lonely. I just need someone to be next to me, to touch, to hold, to hold me. I am sinking so deep into loneliness that I actually lay down on my bed today with my squishy bird in my arms and imagined that Jared Padalecki was next to me being my big spoon. Really, that only made it worse. The fact that I have no one to be physically close with is really weighing on me. I have realized that I relate primarily through touch, and right now I haven't been close with anyone since August. It's getting so bad that I'm worried I might end up making decisions I don't want to. I mean, if I really wanted to, I could definitely find someone to be intimate with, but I don't. I don't want to cheapen a moment where all I need is to be physically close to someone with what would inevitably devolve into something sexual, but I'm afraid that at this rate, I just might.

So, I guess that what I want to say is that I miss you because with us that stupid touch barrier doesn't exist and that it's not awkward when we hug and because I'm comfortable just sitting next to you with our feet touching and that's enough for me.

Music

I made a playlist for you because I am feeling emo and I think you will like it.

In a melancholy sort of mood

Do you ever have those days that are just ordinary days but for some reason by the end of them you feel so despairing and so depressed and so unsure of yourself that you just don't even know who you are anymore?

Today was kind of like that.

And it's not that I don't know who I am, necessarily, but more like I don't know who other people are. I've come to the conclusion that several people who I counted as friends are not exactly as such, considering that real friends do not a) ignore you, b) belittle you, c) make fun of you, d) talk shit about you to their other friends. So I have to friend-break-up with someone, and then I have to lean more heavily on other friends, and I'm not even sure they want to be real friends. Real friends hang out. Real friends do things with each other. Real friends reply to facebook posts.

I just kind of want to cry. Instead, I'm going to listen to emo music on my ipod and fall asleep.

To reuse a simile from calculus...

...this weekend has been a veritable cosine graph of ups and downs.

Up: I started work - and work is fantastic. I get to listen/watch amazing shows, smile at people for a total of about 2 out of the four hours I work, and then I get to do homework and read for the rest.

Down: I started work. I worked Thursday night, Friday night, today's matinee and evening show, and I work tomorrow night. That's a total of 20 hours in one weekend. Uy.

Up: I went out last night and had a FANTASTIC time. I hung out with some really chill people and had a lot of fun.

Down: I went out last night and became a little tipsy and started becoming friendly with this guy who looked kind of like Frodo, and we sat next to each other on the couch and he put one arm around me and the other on my leg and I was starting to get comfortable when Michelle told me that Jordan was uncomfortable with that situation and so I spurned Frodo's advances even though it felt really nice that someone was paying attention to me and holding me. I am THAT nice.

Up: I didn't have a hangover.

Down: I have a sore throat and I blame it on bacteria from the highly unsanitary conditions of the beer pong game responsible for my inebriation. P.S. Beer is really really nasty. It tastes like liquid bread dough with fizz.

Up: I met some really cute guys at work.

Down: They have girlfriends/are aware that dating a coworker is a bad idea.

Up: Sarah Palin on SNL!

Down: It's Saturday night and I'm sitting in my apartment making an emo playlist and watching Sarah Palin on SNL.

Like I said. My life is a cosine graph.

Virtute

This song made me bawl like a baby.

It is about a cat named Virtute. Virtute is going deaf, and can no longer hear her person.

I miss my cat. :(

You know you're desperate when...

...you find yourself on facebook clicking on one of your interests to see who shares it, and then you end up stalking a complete stranger because he likes the same television shows you do.

But seriously? He's from Romania. And likes Firefly (a new love of mine), Dexter, Heroes, Supernatural (!!!!!), Scrubs and the Office. And he's SMOKIN'.

Did I mention he was from Romania?

So do I do the stalker thing and just stalk him from facebook or do I do the giant creeper thing and send him a message...?

If I was caught in a storm,
You’d be the rain.
If I was a song
You’d be the refrain.
If I cried my heart out,
You’d be in each tear,
Then you’d wipe them away,
Say I’d nothing to fear,
Because if you wrote your story
I’d be in each word,
And if my soul had a sound,
It’d be all you heard.
If my life had a soundtrack,
You’d be singing the love song,
So sweetheart be still,
You’re all I live for,
I’ll always be here,
Because I’m yours.

What do my sleep habits and the economy have in common?

They're both in a recession!! Haha, I'm so funny.

I've been having some trouble sleeping. Not that I've been having trouble falling asleep, actually that's going quite well (aside from the fact that after I went to bed last night I stayed awake mentally arranging a brilliant beginning to my Christmas song for Pitchforks). Rather, I've been having trouble wanting to go to sleep. Instead of yearning to retreat into the warm, inviting morass of comforters and sheets, I find myself overtaken by a desire to stay up later and watch more television. As a result, I'm sleeping less because even though none of my classes start until noon, the bright morning sun decides to pierce our paper-thin (I kid you not, our shades are made of paper) shades at approximately 5:45 every morning. I can only sleep in broad daylight for so long, and I thus drag my exhausted butt out of bed at 9:00am. So...more television equals less sleep. What a cruel, cruel world we live in that I have to sacrifice one of my great loves for the other.

And on the other hand, I'm a bit apprehensive about the economy. My father has assured me that the stock market will (probably) not crash and that we are (probably) not going to go into a recession/depression (haha political commentators, I'd say we're already in a recession), and yet, I have trouble coming to terms with the fact that $700 billion is "needed" for the government to bail out mortgages. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. Where does the government even get that kind of money? Aren't we wallowing in a massive national debt? I just have such hard time believing that we're going to get through this crisis.

And while I'm on the topic of things I just don't understand, why in the world is there SO MUCH GRASS IN ARIZONA?! There is no reason for there to be this much grass. Arizona is a desert, people, there's not supposed to be grass in your front yard. And yes, you're wasting IMMENSE amounts of water in your quest for emerald green lawns. So please, explain why, in a desert state that is experiencing a water crisis, and at a university that prides itself on sustainability, THERE ARE SO MANY LAWNS?!

Sometimes I just get tired of living in a world that doesn't care about the world they live on.

ETA: Also...I don't know how I feel about the death penalty. But I do feel that as "closure" for the families of murder victims, it sucks. There is nothing healthy about rejoicing in the death of anyone, even if that person caused the death of a loved one. Ultimately, it can only bring more suffering.

I woke up 12 hours ago...

...and I'm still sleepy. WTF brain?

This weekend I decided that I'm going to be more stylish, more food savvy, and all in all a better, more adult person. So I started out by eating half a log of sugar cookie dough and spending a lot of money on clothing. Great job self, great job. And then, instead of focusing on my schoolwork like a mature adult, what do I do? I watch television and browse through the PostSecret facebook group. I suppose that the 800+ secrets did make me feel good about myself in that I've never done anything that I really regret, or that I don't have any deep dark relationship secrets.

Actually, that's untrue. I realized the other day (and this fully illustrates the extent of my pathetic existence) that I haven't been in love with anyone since junior year of high school (well, actual people in real life, that is). I haven't had that floaty heart-in-your-throat, rock-in-your-stomach, can't-breathe-to-save-your-life feeling for 2 years and nine months. And this realization really kind of makes me sick to my stomach, because that means that I used Jordan. I made him be in love with me when I didn't even really like him that much. And the really sick thing is that I knew it too. I knew that he and I weren't going to work out, and I let him think that we were. I let him have hopes and dreams, I let him say "I love you" and I even said it back, and that whole time I knew that it wasn't true, not any of it. I've said before that I'm a horrible person, but right now I kind of believe it.

And you know what the sickest thing about it is? I'd probably do it again, just to have someone be that in love with me.

Best Dream Ever

So here I am at Target with my family. It happens to be celebrity employee night, and all sorts of famous people are there. But wait! It looks as if some evil mastermind has a plan to do some dastardly deed! And alas - it seems as if said dastardly deed will put Christian Bale in danger! But the plot thickens - seeing as it is celebrity employee night, the store is full to the brim with fangirls, all swooning and begging for Christian Bale's autograph. I see his face - he is exhausted and far from being a smiling, gracious autograph signer. This mob of teen girls has completely drained the life from him. So in I swoop and so doing, rescue Christian Bale from not only the hordes of screaming fans, but also the imminent danger! The scene ends as, surrounded by my family, Christian Bale takes my hand. He shakes it, then looks into my eyes. Still holding my hand, he leans forward and kisses me on the top of my head, then walks away.

My. Life. Is. Now. Complete.

Classes, Schmlasses, lets watch TV!

I think that I am going to be either one of two things this year - either really bored or REALLY BUSY. I'm leaning towards really bored right now, considering that the first day of my supposedly really difficult lab covered things that we covered in Sophomore biology in high school. I mean really, Punnet Squares? Those are super easy. And who doesn't know what the patellar region is? (That one was a joke). Anyway, in light of this imminent boredom, my plan is this - to try and study as much as possible! AHAHAHAHAHAHA, just kidding. Watch more tv. And BLOG about it! You won't have to watch TV anymore because I have decided that along with posting a link to a comprehensive recap of the show at Television Without Pity, I will provide my own commentary on the happenings of my favorite shows!

Let's start out with the newest addition to my lineup of must see tv - Veronica Mars! I have resisted watching this for a while, simply because it was on UPN and honestly, that's where television shows go to die. But amid much praise from people whose opinions I actually care about, I decided to give it a go (also because it's only three seasons and it's off the air, so it's something I can watch when I want to, not obsessively because I have to see the episode before the next airs). Anyway. This gem of a show follows the show's namesake, one 17-year-old private eye who helps her father, the disenfranchised former sheriff of the small town in which the live, to solve cases for his numerous clients, all while navigating the perilous straits of high school unpopularity. Now while this all sounds vaguely cheesy and cliched, the show pulls it off with flair! I'm three episodes in, and I'm hooked! So there you go, more commentary to follow.

Also...Docotr Who is pretty much monopolizing my thoughts recently. It's a smart, funny sci-fi based show (but not weird in the way that many are) and frought with British accents (because the show airs in the UK on BBC). But not only is it funny, it is poignant and occasionally heart-wrenching, and at this present moment, my heart is decidedly wrenched. Practically in two. I'm desperate to move on to series three, because right now the thought of the second season finale threatens to reduce me to a wailing, bawling baby.

Anyway, guess I ought to be off, this is rather a lot for one post...

We interrupt this blog...

...to feature a different one!

Watch this!

Fill the spaces with wood in places to make it feel like home

So here I am at ASU. It's about a bajillion degrees out and I've already sweated through two outfits. I've lugged my duffel and backpack halfway across campus, then lugged 50 pounds of boxes (at the same time I might add) up to my seventh floor room, then did what I could to spruce up this place. It's actualy quite cute, and what I'm sure a realtor would call "charming" (read: tiny). I'd love to take a shower, but that's kind of an impossibility due to the astonishing lack of a shower curtain (didn't even think about that one). Also, the walls look rather naked. If you love me, you could send me a poster to make them less boring.

So in a rather geeky turn of events, I've accidentally been pulled back into fandom, at least partially. Now, I have no plans whatsoever to start reading/writing fanfic again, but I do rather enjoy watching the comms. I've always been more of a lurker than an active participant, however, I do know that my OTP is definitely Sydney/Vaughn. Easily. By a mile. Their love story can still make me catch my breath and sigh.

That being said, I recently started two new shows, Entourage and Doctor Who (the 2005 version). While I am less than impressed with Entourage (I guess I just don't relate to the lifestyle...) I'm incredibly hooked on Doctor Who. It's pretty much the best sci-fi show I've ever seen (this does not count Alias or Supernatural, those are spy-fi and horror-style-buddy-drama, respectively). It's funny and entertaining, and I highly recommend it. Oh, and British accents. Delightful.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

So I'm packing. It's kind of a breeze, actually, which I was not expecting. I didn't realize how little I brought home. Really all I have to bring back with me is clothes and electronics, and a few dvds.

Packing is actually getting me a little excited to go back to school. I mean, I'd love to stay in WI for the rest of my life, but back at school there's a faster internet connection, classes (yeah, I'm a dork), and Pitchforks. So...there are exactly three things about ASU that don't exist here. Hopefully these three will be enough to get me through the semester.

Somehow I doubt it.

P.S. The title is a line from Africa, by Toto

August beginnings (get it, it's a pun!)

It's August. And I will be back in AZ in less than two weeks. Blergh. This has me so disheartened that I can barely get myself to write. Argh.

Where are all the nice guys hiding?

So I met the most amazing guy today.

Now, I don't know if I was actually attracted to him, or if I was just kinda stunned by the fact that he was without question the most sincere, genuine, open person I've ever met, and he had a real heart for God.

Why can't there be more people like him in the world? And if there are, where are they and why haven't I met them yet?

Gee, is it July already?

Okay, so when did it become July? And how come I only have 5 weeks left of summer? This is ridiculous.

Except not quite as ridiculous as the facts that
a) I just added two new shows to the ones that I watch.
b) I actually interrupted writing this post to listen to Christmas music
c) I actually kind of want to go back to school

I know. Awful right? Not only am I a tv junkie, I'm an aseasonal music listening, school-hankering, tv junkie. Ew. I pretty much revile myself a little bit.

...

In other news, the world of college a capella music is pretty much AMAZING. It's pretty ridiculous that people can do all of that with their voices. I really want Pitchforks to reach that level of awesomeness, but I feel that even though our hearts are in it, we don't really work as hard as we could or should. We have an exceptional group of girls, but alas, we tend to slack off at our rehearsals and not focus as well as we should. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to compete in the ICCA, but do we really have the dedication to make it work? *sigh* 5 weeks til school starts and already I'm having a conniption about it.

Blurgh.

...that was weird

Okay, so I'm sure that by now you all know about my ridiculous obsession with Supernatural and the lovely men thereof. I thought I was alone in loving this television series, at least within the sphere of people that I actually communicate with. Anyway, last night I get home at like 11:30, and see my dad still up (keep in mind that his usual bedtime is 9:30), and not only this, but he was watching Supernatural. I mean yeah, the guy was a hardcore trekkie and never missed an episode of the X-Files, but really? I had not figured that when I watched a couple episodes with him that he would end up staying up for two hours past his bedtime watching my favorite show. It was just really weird.

And also in the "that was weird" vein, pretty sure the entire evening at ROS was spent discussing men and the anatomical parts which they possess. I was quite scandalized by the fact that people much younger than me (and I assumed more innocent) had become much more familiar with the various things that go along with a hardcore make-out session.

...

In quite a different vein, I love to play the piano. I just recently learned how to play "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles, and that has occupied the musical bit of my brain for the past couple days.

Speaking of the musical part of my brain, I've been obsessed with several songs over the past couple of weeks - here they are.

Life in the Fast Lane - The Eagles
I Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon
Back in Black - ACDC

Classic rock is where it's at.

I Can't Fight This Feeling Any Longer

So for some reason every time I leave Barnes and Noble on any particular weekend, I am left with an inexplainable, unquenchable need to be or do or have more than I am or do or have. I leave with a sense that I should immediately begin working on my Pulitzer prize-winning novella, or that I should somehow bump into the man of my dreams and fall madly in love and have a whirlwind romance. And this desire or urge or whatever it is always goes unfulfilled because, as I well know, I will never start my Pulitzer prize-winning novella or meet the man of my dreams immediately after leaving Barnes and Noble at 11:00 on a Friday or Saturday because, let's face it, I have no motivation or inspiration to write my novella, and the man of my dreams is definitely not going to jump out in front of my moped as I whiz down the street and cause me to stop and fall in love with him.

But nonetheless, that desire just hits me every time. And after the urgency of the feeling has passed, I am left with a strange aftertaste of sorts that causes me to listen to emo music and classic rock.

So that's what I'm doing right now, as well as experimenting with making livejournal icons. Except that I'm worried they'll all turn out incredibly emo. Like me.

And now I actually kind of feel like an adult

Mostly because of this whole 9-5 sort of job thing I have going on. It is a giant pain in the rear end. I get up early, work all day, come home, eat, maybe watch a little Supernatural (whose season finale pretty much blew me out of the water!!) and then go to bed (ridiculously early because I'm so tired from working all day) and start all over. And this weekend really didn't help all that much.

So in addition to my job at the clinic, I'm also back at Swimtastic. Woohoo. Anyway, I was asked to help out with a Kid's Expo out past the mall. Our booth included a dunk tank. Lots of fun, you say? Hardly. It was quite possibly the most miserable, spirit-crushing, physically uncomfortable experience of my entire life. Not only did I have to sit almost naked (I was wearing a swimsuit) on a metal seat while small children threw giant baseballs to dunk me in the water, but the water was frigid. The venue at which the expo was being held had an unfortunate lack of a hot water heater. So...picture me, for 2 and 1/2 hours in a swimsuit being continually dunked in a giant tank of freezing cold water. I was so numb I was actually crying as I got dressed in the bathroom stall after my shift was over because putting clothes on hurt so badly.

I do not get paid well enough for that.

Obligatory End-of-School List-type-thing

Despite all of my efforts to avoid the typical end-of-year nostalgia, it has quietly, carefully, sneakily crept up on me and grabbed me firmly in its clutches. I think that it is human nature to feel a bit of regret any time something comes to an end, no matter how awful or wonderful or scary or new or boring or exciting it is. Human beings are creatures of habit - we like to have things stay the same, to remain static, to change as little as possible (or perhaps that's just me). And though I'll be glad to leave this place behind, to move out of the 225 or so square feet that I have called my own for the last nine months, I feel...not sad, not unhappy, not like I'll miss it terribly, but something kind of other. Wistful is close, but I'm not sure that that captures it either. Whatever it is, it demands that I make a list of things that I've learned. So, here goes.

-Living with someone is like being in a relationship - there's a give and take (and a give me back my stuff) and you have to pick your battles.
-Although solitude is nice, people really do need other people. Being alone all the time really is not good for a person.
-There are 10x more bacterial cells in/on your body than your actual body cells. EW.
-Drunk people are not as entertaining in real life as they are in the movies.
-It is impossible to write something that hasn't been written before.
-Money actually doesn't grow on trees, and you never need it more than when you don't have it.
-Eating healthily and living in a dorm are mutually exclusive.
-Although women are more likely than men to admit to being attracted to people of the same gender, men are more likely to have actually had a homosexual experience. Makes you wonder about boy scout camp.
-Boys are incredibly focused on appearance and will judge you very harshly. No matter what you look like, they will find a flaw (and it doesn't matter what they look like either - a fat kid is just as likely - if not more - to judge a girl for being chubby).
-As much as it is fun to be with people, you also always need time to regroup alone.
-It is impossible to get through a Monday morning without Starbucks.

Goodbye, ASU. See you in four months.

I'm noticing a trend...

I'm beginning to notice a trend with me...this addiction to television is nothing new - now that I think about it, I've been addicted to one show or another at pretty much all stages of my life (well, except for those couple of years where we didn't have cable, but hey, who wants to remember that?).

My recent reminiscings have brought me to the cartoon show Aladdin. This aired in the mid-90's and brought my tiny little 6-8 year old heart a lot of joy. Unfortunately, this show is COMPLETELY UNAVAILABLE ON THE INTERNET!! Sure, there are the odd clips on youtube, but alas, there are no full episodes available anywhere! This I ascribe to the fact that Disney has yet to release this 87-episode series on DVD. This, I declare, is a travesty! I used to watch Aladdin every day at 4:00 pm! I was deeply invested in the plotlines of each and every episode! I watched with delight as Aladdin and Co. defended Agrabah from villains of every shape, size, gender and nationality! I giggled at the half-baked schemes of Iago and Abu! So tell me, Disney, why have you not made this fantastic show available on DVD? Why do you continue to keep it locked up in the Disney vault? Why do you torture me so??????

This show is not even shown on ToonDisney anymore. Its counterpart, the equally funny, if not quite as well-developed Timon and Pumbaa is shown regularly (which I resent even though I do not have this channel).

So I beg you, Disney, release Aladdin from its confines in your dark and musty vault of forgotten children's cartoon shows. And while you're at it, you might as well also release the Little Mermaid tv show, because that's halfway entertaining as well.

P.S. Maggie and I also had the Aladdin tv show card game at my Grandma's house. It too was incredibly entertaining.

I really should be studying, but...

...I'd much rather be here complaining about my life.

I hate studying with a burning passion. Why should I even bother studying for chemistry if I have to get a 98% to get an A? Is there even a point?

Instead I'm posting and watching The Suite Life. Some life I have.

Blah blah blah something witty

End of the year blah blah blah, nostalgia blah blah blah, i'll miss it blah blah blah blah blah.

None of that is true. I cannot even WAIT to get my tushie out of this hellhole of a dormitory and make my pilgrimage back to my personal Eden...the wonderful springtime paradise that is Appleton, WI. Nothing is more beautiful than the sight of ACTUAL TREES AND GRASS, not to mention my lovely family and my KITTY CAT!!!! I honestly have no qualms about leaving this place. None. Zip. Zilch. That is why I am already mostly packed to go home. I have nothing left to do except get on that plane and BE HOME ALREADY.

Do the capital letters adequately get my point across? I feel as if they do. I'm super excited.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Television Television

I love television. I love everything about it. I love that episodes are at most an hour long, I love that the length of a season allows for more character development than in a film, I love that the writing and the acting are just as good as film...I think that the current offering of television dramas and comedies far outshines the crap we have in the box office these days. And of course, I have my favorite shows - Alias, 30 Rock, the Office, Scrubs, Arrested Development, Supernatural, Gossip Girl, Buffy...the list goes on.

Not only do I have a love for television, I also have somewhat of an obsession. Rare is the day when I don't go online to view an episode of my current show (which is six feet under, btw). Rare also is the day when I do not obsessively discuss details of some television show with an unwitting or unwilling victim. And rarest of all is the day I do not plop myself down in front of my television set and mindlessly watch something I don't even like when I should be doing homework.

This relationship that television and I have is supremely unhealthy. My happiness practically depends on the availability of the latest episode of the Office, I can't have a social life on Thursdays because the lineup is too good to miss. I know that I'm an addict - I know this, and yet I cannot get myself to quit. I've tried to go cold turkey, and I thought perhaps the strike would teach me to live without television, but no! I only grew more desperate for serial plotlines and awkward humor.

Alas, I fear that I will never break the spell that the television industry has so carefully and tightly woven about me. My case is a hopeless one - rather than have a life I shall rot in front of my tv, slowly dying of a vitamin D deficiency.

You know what I hate?

hate it when people who are perfectly capable of making a good point resort to name-calling and blind character attacks.
I hate it when I'm the only one in my lab group who actually knows what they're doing.
I hate it when I have two tests and two lab papers in two days.
I hate the fact that I'm 2000 miles away from the only person that really understands me.
I hate that my brother is being deployed again.
I hate that I can't control my addiction to television.
I hate that my room is a mess and I can't motivate myself to clean it.

I just hate life right now, okay?

Warning: Weekend of Mayhem Ahead

Lots of things to do this weekend, not the least of which is Michelle's sorority formal. I'm still deciding whether or not I want to rush Alpha Phi for next year, and maybe this event will help me decide one way or another. We had a fun time last night deciding who was going to wear what. We eventually decided that she would wear my ruched blue dress and I would wear her strapless black number. We also switched heels - silver strappy for her, leopard-print peep-toe for me. It will be TIGHT. Also, big poofy hair. I honestly can't imagine that anyone will be better dressed than us.

Ooh. Must get fake nails too.

Saw the Indiana Jones trailer today. Also the Incredible Hulk and Ironman. And Batman. Summer movies are the best!! Action, Christian Bale and superheroes and old favorites coming back and Christian Bale? Go watch the trailers now. Do it. You won't regret it.

Did I mention Christian Bale?

Sunday from

If there is one thing you do not want to do on a Sunday morning, it is wake up, and instantly know that you are going to lose your cookies. And if there is anything worse than that, it is probably kneeling over a toilet for the next 5 hours as your body violently tries to expel the entire contents of your stomach, even after there is nothing left. And if you should then spend the rest of the day doing homework and nibbling on saltine crackers, you just might have had the worst day ever.

Being sick away from home sucks major ass. All you want is someone to take care of you, get you pillows and ginger ale and your favorite blanky and a movie, but all you have is your roommate and her annoying techno trance music and your floormates' mocking laughter.

Can you blame a girl for being bitter?

What I don't want to hear at 11:00pm

So...life is hard sometimes, yes? Yes. I think that is something that can be mutually agreed upon. But I feel as though recently things have been harder than usual. Maybe because I'm 2000 miles away from the only person I feel that really understands me, maybe because my purported "bestie" is having a crazed bitchfest, maybe because I'm finally realizing that my childhood was not perfect and bathed in golden light, maybe because some of my deepest darkest issues are rising to the surface, whatever. I don't know. I'm finding it really hard to just take a deep breath and soldier on. The overabundance of jelly beans, m&ms and frosted flakes is also making it really hard for me to get out of my wallowy funk and have a life.

I have realized recently that I have deep-seated issues regarding my physical appearence. I noticed of late that I look at other girls and automatically compare myself to them - am I fatter, skinnier, taller, prettier, paler, jigglyer than they are? Which of us is better dressed? Is her hair better than mine? This is an issue for me. And it really doesn't help when people I know critisize girls that are my size, my coloring, or in some small way resemble me (or what I think of myself) and call them ugly, not cute, pale, trashy, etc. And since I hang out almost exclusively with someone that judges quite harshly based on appearence, I feel as though my self-image has taken a turn for the worse. And does this negative self image inspire me to go out and make it better? No. Instead I retreat to my computer to watch back episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and 30 Rock and eat obscene amounts of junk food and green tea. Blargh. I need some professional help.

On an upside, I am now the proud owner of this moped. Cute, huh? Can't you just see me tooling around Appleton on this darling little thing? And also, the FVTC is offering the class I need over the summer so I'll be able to do that. And Michelle is taking me to her sorority's spring formal, so I can dance all night!

Ugh. Must write a lab report. Ew.

This Week the Trend

I'm back in AZ. Not incredibly exciting, but at least it's warmer than at home. I honestly feel as though when I'm here, I'm just going though the motions - my day falls into a routine that I mindlessly keep to. I don't have a choice. My activities and classes and tv shows dictate when I come and go and eat and sleep. If it keeps going like this, the next month and a half are going to pass by pretty quickly.

I finally changed my major - I'm now officially a nursing student at the College of Nursing and Health Care Innovation. Doesn't that sound spiffy? One hitch though - residential life has a new policy that if you're going to live on campus, you have to live on the campus where your degree is located. For me, that's Downtown Phoenix. And considering that I currently have plans to live on the Tempe campus...that's an issue. I spoke to my advisor about it though, and we can play beaurocratic games so that I'm where I want to be. Honest it is not, but successful it will be. (can you hear the yoda coming out in my voice?)

Read Darkly Dreaming Dexter today (thanks to betsy), and it was surprisingly not as good as the tv show. The tv show really brought more exposition to the table and explained motives and motivations and backstory a lot better. Although, I suppose that is to be expected, considering that the book had about 200 pages and the tv show was about 12 hours...Anyway, you should read the book and then watch the show. It was a thrilling experience.

Anyone want to go for ice cream with me?

Muffins has MRSA?

I feel like a death row prisoner who only has a few more days until his meeting with the electric chair. Except that in my case, the electric chair is the plane back to AZ. There's really nothing for me to do right now except sit at home wallowing in my dread. Much as I've been bored out of my skull the past week, I really have enjoyed being home where all of the streets are familiar, where the food is legitimately food and having enough time to do what I want to. There's just something about being able to sleep in my own bed (and have it not be a million feet off the floor) that is incredibly comforting. I also very much like this whole no classes thing.

So this morning I logged onto the upstairs computer and looked through all of my files - music, old essays, pictures, fanfic (ugh), poems, stories, all of it. And I floored by what has changed and what has not. I've been writing poems on that computer since eighth grade, and I don't hate the poems I read (the short stories were a different matter...I shudder to think that I thought they were good...). But holy cow, was I prolific. I had over 40 bits of ficion, poetry, fanfic, etc. And even though they weren't all good, I miss being at a place in my life where I could just sit down at a computer and pour my heart out and have it turn into poetry. I really miss that.

So guess what - you could be in danger of getting a horrible disease from your cat. No, not the dreaded cat flu (does that even exist?) but something infinitely more worrisome and deadly - MRSA. That's right. Your trusty puddle of fluff may be harboring a methicillin resistant strain of staphylococcus aureus. Now that's something to make you a little bit wary.

A Long Overdue Return

I stopped blogging over a year ago. Something about it just soured for me - maybe it was the need for approval (read: comments) that it inspired in me, perhaps the obscene amount of time I spent trolling the communities, or maybe it was a buildup of better things to do.

But I've really missed it. Lately I feel as though I'm unable to express myself as eloquently as I want to, and perhaps a return to the written word will inspire an upswing in the quality of my speech. And even if no one is out there reading, I suppose that blogging is in itself a sort of therapy for me - getting my thoughts out of my head and onto, well, not paper exactly, but you know what I mean. So...please enjoy this while I'm still writing, and even if blogging once again loses it's thrall, I'll have something to look back on in a year or so and wonder to myself at what a silly girl I was.

In the world today...
Why would you do this? Don't you think that 800 dogs is enough for two people? Share the love. Come on.